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Considering moving back in with my parents at age 30

Alyse17·Jun 17
Posted in:Lifestyle

I'm 30 years old and recently made a much needed career switch. I was working in a low paying field that I got into after getting a masters degree and realized it was the wrong journey for me. I got hired at a tech company in March. The pay is similar to what I was making at my last job, except this is entry level and that was three years into a job that requred a masters.

I'm a little anxious about potential layoffs in the tech sector but trying to keep my head up.

I live in a high cost of living city that is getting more and more unlivable. I am single, so I don't have anyone to split costs with. Dating in this city is almost as brutal as the cost of living so even though my hope was to be settled down with kids by now, I'm putting that part of my life on hold because it's just been too difficult.

Lately I've been feeling really down on myself and where my life is headed. I've had setbacks in my career, in about 65k of student loan debt, and feeling like I'm treading water.

Lately I've been considering moving back in with my parents. Not to take advantage or to be a lazy mooch. I've been feeling really lonely lately and while I have great friends, just feel a bit of a void they're not filling. While they can get on my nerves like all parents do, I really do love them very much, and I could help out with their mortgage (they've also been going through tough times financially) while saving a little money. It'd be hard leaving this city, leaving my friends, leaving my cozy studio. But I can't stop thinking about that as an option.

I know people have varying opinions on living with your parents in adulthood, but I'm from a culture where that is very common. I made mistakes in my twenties, like with my education and career, that I'm paying for now. I feel like I need to make some sacrifices to make up for them.

I wanted to hear from those of you who relate, have been through the same thing, have any experiences with this.

iynna'sIynna·Jun 17
I am not in the same situation but wanted to send you love! I know how much pressure it must be especially from society, but my dear you’ve thought through this (clearly) and this solution makes a lot of sense! I have been out of my parents’ house for over a decade now and I haven’t been able to see them in years (they live in a different country) and I obviously miss them! They’re so healthy but I’m not stupid they’re aging and time with them is even more precious. Life ebbs and flows, so if you need to be at home for some time, do it! It will do you good on the long run, for your wallet, potentially your feelings of feeling sad and lonely which by the way we should unpack a little.On your loneliness: it is actually real to feel lonely while not being alone (I had that in one of my previous relationships) and sometimes with friends. It might just be a phase in which case I’d tell you, to take time to think about yourself and your goals. But if it still lingers around I’d recommend to take a look at the bigger picture and maybe recruit some external and professional help!Lastly, I am so proud of you for making this big pivot in your life! It’s really big! We celebrate publicly engagement, baby (and din’t get e wrong these are amazing milestones) but why don’t we amso celebrate these life choices? Like moving to a new city, getting a whole ass new job let alone in a VERY different field! Please know that I am celebrating here for and with you! And if you ever feel lonely just think of me giving you a giant bear hug 🎉😍
Laticia175·Jun 18
I'm sorry to hear about your struggles. As a fellow career changer, congrats on identifying that your first shot wasn't a fit and then taking action to make a change! I've seen too many people stick it out for too long because of fear, guilt, shame, etc.As for moving back with your parents, what do you fear the most about making the change?My sibling finally decided to leave our home region a few years ago, and when they had a freakout moment about if they were doing the right thing, I reminded them that it can always be undone. If you go to live with your parents and it's not working out after 3, 6, 12 months etc., you're more than capable of making another change.Is it mostly about leaving the city behind? Feeling judged by peers? Something else?
LucyN'sLucyN·Jun 18
So sorry to hear about all you're going through but congratulations on breaking into tech after making a pivot! You should be proud of yourself for all you have accomplished so far.Regarding moving back with your parents...I am an only child and lived with my mother until I was in my late 30s lol. There were many circumstances around it and it just turned into the path my life took. I had moments of embarrassment and belittling myself but truth be told, I'm not ashamed anymore. It was MY path (really ours to be honest, as it was a mutual situation) and it was what worked best for both of us at the time. I would agree with the others that this does not have to be a permanent move - you can go back home for a bit, spend some time with your parents, 'relax' and not feel so stressed about life. One day, you might not have that option, so what is wrong with taking it now! And if it gives you the space you need to determine what's next, then it sounds like a win win.
JayStar'sJayStar·Jun 19
I was in a similar position after graduate school + graduate school debt + being hugely underpaid and so in my late twenties I did move back in with one of my parents for a couple years. It was a huge help financially, helped that parent/child relationship grow a bit (and helped that parent out, too).Socially, I was mildly embarrassed, but that was all internal self-esteem stuff - my friends were all supportive. Dating at the time was a bit awkward. I did eventually decide if anyone was rude about my choice to move back in with parents I didn't need to be dating them anyway. In my case, my parent was in the same metro area I was already living in, so there wasn't much of a sacrifice for me in terms of access to work or my network of friends. It would've been much more challenging a choice if I'd needed to locate to a significantly different locale.If, for you, moving in with your family is a large change in physical location, and that means losing contact with friends, chat with them about your worries, and work through ways you can keep in touch and visit occasionally.
SanaW'sSW24·Jun 19
Hey Aylse17, congratulations and good luck with your new job, sounds like you're making very intentional decisions about your career and future so good on you! I'm from London, and I have a flat in London but recently decided to sublet and temporarily move back with my parents when playing with a start-up idea so as to limit my outgoings - I also moved with my parents during lockdown ... I know lots of other people who have done similar things for various reasons, and friends who live with parents because they are saving up for their own properties etc - agree with all the others about seeing it as a short term opportunity - sending you best wishes!!
hummus'shummus·Jun 20
I don’t think there is any shame in moving back in with your parents - especially as it sounds from your post that you get along with them well. The economy seems to be pretty tough these days, and I’ve seen much in the news lately about rising rent costs and the housing crisis so if you can save a lot of money living with them it might be a smart option. As to your other point that you are feeling down on yourself and where your life is headed, I find that what helps me when I feel overwhelmed about obstacles I am facing, I make a list of things that I previously considered obstacles which I overcame. Writing out this list can help me put into perspective current obstacles and my ability to overcome them just as I have with others. Hope this helps!
WhitneyLStewart'sWhitneyLStewart·Jun 21
I moved back in with my parents when I came home from abroad during the pandemic. It was the right move for me, both emotionally and financially. I lived at home for a year which gave me the chance to build up a lil nest egg. I’d say the major sacrifice was the feeling of adult independence and some boundaries, which were much easier to sort out once I moved back out again. But I’m so glad I did it. If it feels like the right move for you, I’d say why not give it a go!
Joellen108·Jun 21
I went through a similar yet also different scenario. My ex and I divorced when I was in my early 30s and the life path that we had drawn sadly wasn't to be. So I had to start all over again, which was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do but equally, the best learning experience I've ever undergone. While most of my friends were getting engaged, married, pregnant and buying property with their other halves, I moved back into my single bedroom (we call it a box room in the UK!) To top it all off, my ex and I had a business together and I left to set my own one up. I had to learn how to date again, live with my mum (we had a very fractious relationship) and I was commuting on average 4 hours a day, building up my business, socialising etc. There are so many positives to take from this experience, that I wasn't aware of when I was living in it:- My relationship with my mum improved massively- I saved a lot of money, paid off my debts as I have never hustled as hard as that in my life!!- I purchased a home all of my own in London, I put down a 20% deposit - I practiced a lot of humility knowing that I was at a completely different life stage to that of my peers and my friends, especially in a hectic environment like London where there is a lot of competition and pressure.Forward to today: - I have a property portfolio of my own- Savings and investments in the bank, no debts- In a loving relationship - About to sell the business I started. There is absolutely no shame in moving back home! Anything you can do to help your situation is a positive, not a negative. Wishing you all the best :)
Alyse17·Jun 22
I’m tearing up - this is so uplifting. Thanks for sharing.
Mila131·Jun 21
My bff moved back in with her parents at the age of 32. This was mid-ish pandemic, she had a preteen daughter, and she was trying to pay off debt while saving to buy a house. We talked about how this would affect her and her mental health, she ultimately decided to go for it. She created the appropriate boundaries that were needed and it has really worked out for her and her parents as well. So, all that to say it's not unheard of and it definitely can be done!
MorganLucas'sMorgan·Jun 21
I appreciate how positive you are about this; Most people would consider this a failure, but you're being reasonable about the future while wanting to help your parents.
danapuskarich'sdanapuskarich·Jun 21
Hi, I'm so sorry to hear about what you are going through. I moved back in with my parents after grad school and I was 26. Heck, I decided against getting a car as I worked in the city and either could take a taxi to the train or my dad would drive me and same for after work. I borrowed their car on the weekends to save even more money. Honestly, it was the best decision I ever made as I've been laid off 3x and each time it took a long time to find a job, currently in a very long-term job search, and if I didn't have all that money I saved I would be worse off. I think everyone's life path is different. I didn't judge myself for living with my parents until I was about 29 or 30, and never had anyone judge me for it. Honestly, if it's going to make you happier and lessen the stress and burdon on you then, do it! This is your life, you don't have to explain to anyone what your decisions are for YOUR LIFE. If someone wants to judge you for it, that's THEIR ISSUE. Also, guys never cared that I lived with my parents and every guy I ever dated was older than me.
KarenGlouBeauty'sKarenGlouBeauty·Jun 22
After grad school I moved back home with my parents, and thought I'd be out of here in a year or two. Well, 5 years later I am still here! (I'm 28 now.)I'm not going to lie, sometimes it's hard because you see friends settling down, buying homes, having kids etc, and it can feel like taking a step backwards after living independently. However, I know that living with my parents has enabled me to pursue a start-up, and I'm eternally grateful that they are supportive in me doing so. We even turned a spare room into a little office space for me, so I don't have to work and sleep in my childhood bedroom. Rearranging furniture actually helped me feel like the space was new and different. My "office" is way bigger than any space I would have gotten in a corporate job (I'm a business school grad), and I get to bring my dog to work every day! Sometimes I would like to feel a little more independent, but I see this as a short-term sacrifice. I get to use all my resources to build my business and not have to worry too much about making ends meet. I'm also super lucky that for the most part I enjoy hanging out and talking to my parents. We have the occasional squabble, like all families do, but I get so much more quality time with my parents. I get to hear more of their stories from their past that I don't think would have come up if it were not for living at home. And at the end of the day, when all is said and done, time spent with those you love is what we will cherish most of all. Yeah, my start up might fail, yes, I might end up ten years behind in savings, but life isn't a race and I can have a do-over whenever I want because this is my life and I make the rules and I define what success means to me. The only thing you can't get back or do-over is time you could've spent with people you love.This year I've made it my motto to "do things differently". I've been doing things one way for the last couple years, and I've gotten quite cozy on my struggle boat. (It's a leaky, creaky struggle boat, but it's familiar :p ) I decided I'm tired and want to get different results, but if you do the same thing over, you'll get the same results, which is why I'm all about doing things different from how I've done them in the past. Best of luck to you!
maggiewolff'smaggiewolff·Jun 23
My husband and I lived with my parents for about a year when we were around 30. I don't regret it at all. (And I don't think my husband does either.) However, we all live in the same metro area, so we were still able to commute to our jobs and see friends somewhat regularly. The situation allowed us to pay down debt, but it was also nice to spend more time with my parents, knowing they won't be around forever. I would say if you do it, set goals, such as you'll move out when your savings reach X amount or you've paid off Y amount of debt, or you'll do it for 1 year, etc. That helped us stay focused on paying off debt instead of using it as an opportunity to spend more since our living costs significantly decreased.
OlgaLech'sOlgaLech·Jul 22
I think you're doing amazing! I mean it! You haven't made any mistakes (I strongly encourage you to never look at life experiences as mistakes). In fact, you lived life through experience, and in the process, you learned that this is not what you wanted in life. If you never had those experiences, you would never know that this is not what you want. I learned to look at life as phases. Moving in with your parents is just a new phase of your life. It's a new experience. I was taught to judge all my experiences against social norms I was tough to aspire to. But what if you look at the experience of living with your parents, just like that, a new experience. Don't assign any positive or negative feeling to it. Drink it in as something you are experiencing for the first time. When I feel down (and we all do), I think about this quote a random stranger shared with e at an airport during a conversation: " go through your life with palms wide open, and life will take as much as it wants from you." Use this phase of your life as a quiet defiance from constantly being judged and judging yourself. Let yourself be with no judgment and you'll be great!
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