This is an anonymous post from an Elpha member.

I got a new job and my teammate is consistently trivializing my efforts in front of our boss. It's beginning to be a pattern. How best to deal with this?

Minda202·Dec 20, 2022

Posted in:Advice

Just started the job 2 months ago. I was super excited and very happy about the role, the responsibilities, and the company. It's by far the biggest company I've ever worked in with the biggest compensation as well. Things have so far been going well but lately one of my teammates has begun to make his dissatisafaction with me more and more pronounced in every meeting. Our team is very small: only 3 people: Me, A, B, and our boss C. I'm the most junior in the team. There's been several meetings now where teammate B puts me and my other teammate A down, it's been consistent and very passive aggressive. Teammate A (the one that has been bullied with me) has reached out to me and asked me not to take it personal, that people are just stressed. At first I agreed with him and brushed it off, but as more mtgs pile up, the pattern solidifies.

Last week I pulled my first true all nighter since college- a 12 hour shift of 8 pm to 8 am to get stuff done for a mtg in the morning. When the mtg came, my efforts were completely triviliazed and belittled by teammate B. What sucks more is that this is been done specifically in front of our boss.

I'm new, and more junior (though not by a lot) and also the only female in the group. I've begun to dread every meeting because everytime i show my efforts, Im belittled and put down.

How can i handle this?

lanettecream·Dec 21, 2022

I recommend making a private evidence log for yourself. Do not let them control the narrative. It is up to you to evangelize your efforts and proactively build strategic relationships. Your options are: 1. Be direct and possibly look like YOU are defensive and not a team player. Stand up for yourself and your work. 2. Be passive aggressive and make a joke about it or try to build allies/conspirators who agree with you behind his back & risk looking insecure and untrustworthy. 3. Make an alliance with the other person on the team and talk each-other up whenever he does this. 4. Do nothing. I highly advise this route. I have tried my best to be who I want to be. That means being confident enough to shrug off other people’s opinion as irrelevant to the truth. Who’s opinion really matters here? Your opinion and what your boss thinks. Take care of those and out learn, outwit, outlast the mediocre malcontent.

RebeccaAp·Dec 21, 2022

Oof - this sounds rough Minda! I'm so sorry you're experiencing what sounds like a toxic coworker and work culture.You didn't mention what industry you're in, but I get the sense it's a male-dominated field? Having worked in male-dominated environments for 15+ years, what I learned is that you may need to learn to fight fire with fire. Rather than accepting general criticisms or passive aggressive comments, I would come prepared to defend and promote your work and ideas on their own merit. If this coworker is criticizing you personally vs the work you present - redirect them back to the work or idea you're proposing. A great way to do this is to say something like "I hear you're unhappy with X, but can you be more specific with how this will improve my work quality with regards to project/task/idea Y?" and then don't let them provide vague or unspecific criticism. This will show you 1) have a backbone and will not be played with; 2) that your focus is on the work and providing value; AND 3) it may help you get to the meat or substance of what this person is saying, and potentially help you improve. If the person can't provide targeted, specific and constructive critiques of the work, then you know it's just personal and it will become clear to everyone when they can't respond to your prompts. At that point, you can start bringing this up to your superiors. I'd go to your team boss, not coworker A who sounds complicit in the toxicity. I hope this helps!

Sherie25·Dec 21, 2022

I would suggest you take your own situation at hand and pull this person aside. Let them know that you are respecting their experience and deeply appreciate any constructive feedback they want to offer you about your work as you are eager to learn from someone who knows how to do things. Then tell them the way that you receive it best. In a private setting. Let them know that - (give them example = specific one) its not okay to do this in front of others. Let them know that your goal is to be great at what you do for the betterment of the team, but that to be great you need their constant support even when you get things wrong in their opinion. Document the discussion to yourself from your work email to your work email. Then have a private conversation with your manager to let them know that the talk happened. Once they are made aware let them know you want them to monitor this behavior in silence and hope that the conversation ends this "gaslighting". If it persists bring HR in. Good luck!

caseyonder·Dec 21, 2022

agree with others RE: 1- document document document. what are the facts? 2- strengthen bonds with non toxic teammate, vertically through reporting lines if possible and across organization. 3- pull teammate you're in conflict with aside in private to discuss in least triggering way possible for him. that being said, if they really don't care/there is not a good self-serving reason for him to change, this might not have an impact or even fuel his fire. don't give any information or show emotion that will compromise you.also:4- take extra care to prepare for meetings. highlight results of your effort versus the effort itself. know where you stand RE: your and team members' contributions. show that you're a team player while standing your ground. be proactive vs reactive in participating even more than you usually would.hope that's helpful as sounds like a really tough situation. maybe he's worried you'll replace him or just wants to advance at all costs to others. maybe he's not super aware of his behavior and has learned along the line to be critical and belittle people, or is blowing off steam when he's upset about something else. your understanding and allies internally will give you best chance at influencing.

Lucile52·Dec 21, 2022

Confront teammate B and tell them that you don’t appreciate their belittling. Also in front of the boss, I think you should stand up for yourself and your work, if not it will probably just get worse if you continue to allow that behavior. “Last week I pulled my first true all nighter since college- a 12 hour shift of 8 pm to 8 am to get stuff done for a mtg in the morning.”Set boundaries, don’t let others disrespect you and your time. Ultimately if you are the only woman on the team and the toxic behavior and disrespect towards you doesn’t stop, you may want to look into switching teams. Stop going above and beyond on the work since it didn’t seem to actually benefit you to do that. Look out for yourself!