This is an anonymous post from an Elpha member.

Navigating toxic management

Posted in:Job Hunting Management and Leadership Vents

Hi Elphas,

I've been lucky in my career so far and up to now, never had to deal with a toxic manager. I loved all my previous managers and relied on them, trusted them, etc.

I currently have to communicate daily with my direct manager, who I unfortunately work with closely on a long-term project. I have been burned by multiple negative experiences with said manager over more than 2 years:

passive aggressiveness, put-down negative "humor"
being told I don't have 20+ years of experience...(so I should take their direction although I disagreed with it)
being scrutinized over expenses I incurred honestly through work
and much more...

I've also experienced a cheerful, indifferent response when I brought up communication issues I've seen in the office with my second-level manager.

To remedy this problem, I have been on a job hunt since last November, although that's a whole different story (just recently had a verbal offer rescinded).

It seems like all those around in my personal life have great relationships with their manager and I feel alone and frankly feel I am going insane, so I am hoping to hear about similar experiences in this community. If you've also dealt with toxic leadership, how did you deal with it?

Iynna·Jun 28

I have dealt with toxic managers before and it definitely SUCKS! You're absolutely not set up for success.For me I just detach myself, the job is not my identity and it's more of a reflection on them than on me. So I just do what they ask me to do, I try not to fully fight things because it's a lost battle and I gotta preserve my peace.It takes mental fortitude to get through this, which you have in you, but the important thing is to not let this get to you/your mind and make you question your abilities. It might help to pick other projects with other colleagues (doesn't have to be big or too time consuming) to remind yourself of your worth and that there are great people out there to work with.As for the rescinded offer, I'm so sorry :( it can be really painful to recover from these experiences, but think of it as a redirection, you might have dodged a bull somewhere and it's best to keep taking your time to find the right next home!You got this :)!

Melida38·Aug 06

Thank you @iynna for your thoughtful and encouraging response. Detaching myself has definitely helped me feel much better and worse at the same time, as I naturally like to be passionate about my work. Am still on the job hunt so I can hopefully find some place I don't have to detach myself :)

Chia149·Jun 29

I unfortunately had one in my last role and my advice is, document everything in case it turns nasty. Make sure you send an email covering any conversations you have with them back to them so that they can’t gaslight you.Network outside of work and if you have access to psychotherapy, utilise it as they will help you develop coping techniques. Do enjoyable things outside of work and know this is temporary and you will find something but don’t jump ship unless you are sure the next role won’t be taken out of desperation to leave and end up being the same.

Claretha219·Jun 29

I agree. Also, know your limit. I almost died being too stubborn to leave a situation where I was being bullied beyond belief. No job is worth your life and health. Also, how can you disconnect and compartmentalize since this might be a longer job search than would be ideal?Remind yourself as often as possible that you do not deserve this. I believe we need more managers who want to be part of solving this issue, and I hope that will be you one day.

Chia149·Jun 30

It was me, I took them on as I clocked exactly what was going on and I refused to be thrown under the bus whilst they lined their own pockets to the detriment of the company and its shareholders. I wasn’t prepared to be sacrificed, integrity is very important in what I do, unfortunately it only works one way 😂. However I wasn’t prepared to risk my reputation or my health, my exit led to many seniors leaving of their own accord when they heard as they were scared they may be caught and be connected to this.

Melida38·Aug 06

Thank you both for your input and encouragement, I really appreciate it! I've definitely made use of therapy + reminding myself that I don't deserve this and that it is temporary.

Kris75·Jul 08

Get a new job is the ultimate answer. You won't change things, so do your job as well as you can within the micromanagement and think of it as them giving you a paycheck to job search.I've had two terrible, terrible managers. I kept communication with them to only absolute essentials- in writing (or on recorded Zoom, now, I guess) if at all possible. Tried not to take any of it personally- in my cases, it was clear they had problems with other people as well and the problem definitely wasn't on my side. For at least one of these managers, I had others around the company I could vent to a little and this helped me in not taking it personally and knowing it's not me and I wasn't going crazy.Lots of other people have had truly batshit managers. If you haven't read the AskAManager blog, go do it. She has annual competitions for the worst boss that she gets letters about.

Melida38·Aug 06

Thank you so much for your advice! I am definitely still actively looking for a new job and appreciate knowing that there are people out there who have had such similar experiences as me. It's very encouraging. I am doing exactly what you did with keeping communication only to absolute essentials, and it's the only thing keeping me from snapping.

katiebabs·Jul 08

I'm so sorry you have to deal with that type of manager. I've had the same in some of my past roles. Document every thing and kill her with kindness and don't take anything she says to heart. Unfortunately if it continues, you either move to another team or department if you can or find a new job.

drewtaylor·Jul 08

Very sorry you’re experiencing this. I had a similar experience that went on for years and it started to seriously impact my health. I noticed mental signs (forgetfulness, inability to make decisions, brain fog, increased anxiety) and physical signs (sleep issues, IBS, and other stress related impacts). At the discretion of my therapist I took paid medical leave to remove myself from the unhealthy environment. I received trauma therapy during this time which helped immensely with my health and ability to see that I could not go back to that toxic environment. I decided to explore part time work as a next step since not working wasn’t an option. Sharing in case any of these options are available to you. I know this experience may not seem like a health risk while you’re in it, but the daily stress it could be causing is, in my experience, cause for action. Happy to share more if helpful!