Battling My Inner 'Comparison Queen' – Anyone Else?

Hi Everyone!

I'm a woman working in crypto, and I recently took this quiz: At first, I was skeptical and didn't expect much from it. But as I read my results, I discovered so many things about myself that truly resonated.

The quiz labeled me as a "Comparison Queen." Among the positives, one statement really caught my attention:

"You're not just running a race; you're commentating on everyone else's and making yourself wrong when your shitty first draft is not PERFECT. It's time to put on your blinders and focus on your own race. Remember, comparison is the thief of joy – and you're not in the business of getting robbed. It's time for some tunnel vision on your own path. Let's swap those perfection goggles for some kick-ass confidence shades."

Looking back, I realize how true this is. I always compare myself to others. I also comment on other people's decisions. This tendency to compare myself to others has also made me shy about sharing things on forums like Elpha.

As a new mom I don't want to be teaching my kids to constantly compare themselves to others, so I'm curious to hear your thoughts. Does anyone else recognize the "Comparison Queen" in themselves? If so, how have you overcome it?

Looking forward to your insights and advice!

I was curious about the language being used (and therefore the underlying message), so I checked out the quiz. Honestly, it's pretty well put together, but I still found that some of the questions didn't have answers for me (which pigeon holed me into a certain "type"). Curious if that happened with you as well. That being said...... the comparison piece: A couple of years ago I was listening to a podcast with Brené Brown on her sister series. They were talking about how they could tell when they weren't checking in with themselves, because that's when they would poll the opinions of others to figure themselves out. Isn't that interesting? We know ourselves best, but rarely are we taught to check in with ourselves first, to check in with the greatest authority with the best information - US. What happens as a result of that? We lose the ability to recognize our inner knowing AND we rob ourselves of self-trust. As a Mom myself, once upon a time ALL of my personal growth was inspired by my son - because I wanted better for HIM. So I hear you there, Momma. I can also say that along the way, it inspired me to fall in love with MYSELF (I was doing the right work, not for the same reason, but with the best outcome). Modeling the behavior we want our kiddos (and others) to embody is the BEST way to extend "permission" and normalize things. That's why one of my favorite things to say to others is "be kind to my friend". We're so hard on ourselves, and this challenges others to be kinder to themselves, using a different motivator (because we value ourselves as someone else's friend more than we value ourselves, sometimes 🤯). Back to the comparison - Like I mentioned, comparison robs us of our ability to trust ourselves (let alone trust anything else "out there", thank you very much control and perfection). But there's another interesting piece to it as well - You can have self esteem without having grounded confidence, and the main differentiator is your INNER CRITIC (or "the judge" in other language). That means that I can "know" I'm great at something, but if I extend time and energy to that inner critic, instead of learning how to acknowledge her without letting her take the stage with her BS dialogue, I'm UNDERMINING myself, my abilities, and my self-trust. When one has grounded confidence, that doesn't mean the Inner Critic is gone. It means that she doesn't "get the mic". Think of it like she's behind the curtain on the stage, goes for the mic, and YOU look her right in the eye and assertively take the mic from her and walk to the center of the stage with it. The Inner Critic plays an important part, but she doesn't deserve the stage. I love how honest and vulnerable you are about the fact that you comment on other people's decisions, and that you compare yourself to others. Hard truth? Many times what we say about others is a (watered down) direct reflection of what we say about ourselves. What would happen if we spent less time trying to "fit in" (do it the "same", do it the "right" way) and embraced the fact that each of us has our own unique set of needs, values, superpowers and priorities that inform our OWN next best move? Less judging. More compassion (especially with ourselves). And more BELONGING vs. fitting in (also a Brené Brown approach, you can read more about that here - Wrapping up - You are exactly who you're meant to be. This entire journey is a process of becoming ourselves. And you are most definitely not "doing it wrong". Start getting curious about who you truly are, embrace your unique superpowers, and remember you are more than your thinking mind. 😊
omg you're such a queen! what an answer you just gave!i am going to take the quiz too :)
Thank you for your thoughtful response @marieofvenus! Again, I got in my head and was overwhelmed by all the amazing responses, so I just hid and decided not to reply. But today, I finally built up the courage!I love Brené Brown's work and totally agree about checking in with ourselves. Especially around self-trust and boundaries. Never ending work in progress.It's inspiring how personal growth for your son led to self-love. I'll definitely keep the "be kind to my friend" mantra in mind. Thanks s much for sharing the podcast link and your insights on grounded confidence and the inner critic. It's a very helpful perspective!
Getting in our heads...... normal AND the source of so much angst. The influx of perspective and reflective questioning can be a LOT to process. I'm so glad you took the time you needed to sit with what was shared. And, HOORAY for the reemergence of courage! You are so welcome! I think the more we understand each other and share that understanding, the more we unlock a deeper understanding of each other - A beautiful thing! I'm rooting for you! If you ever want to dig deeper here, I'm here for it. In the meantime, be amazing!
congratulations new mommy :) I haven't taken the quiz, but I intend to do so, so i'll deff let you know what comes out :)BUT I will say for me: it's a bit dumb but getting older, being more mature, and giving less f*cks more generally hahaI just remind myself that my goal is to just be a little better everyday and comparing myself to others is pretty useless because I'm only seeing 1% of the full story! Two practical tips: (1) if you find that social media triggers you (or specific accounts trigger you), get off and do a digital detox and (2) do a quarterly review bi annual review of your life, and realise how far you've come :) You got this!
Yaaaassss to giving less f*cks!!! I think most of us get to a point where we get sick of how we've always done it, and lean into how we WANT to do it. And THAT is a beautiful thing!
totally! live for yourself, not for others!
I agree when we get older, become more mature at any age, we tend to not care about others opinion of us.
Thanks for the congratulations @iynna and the practical tips! It's true—getting older and giving fewer f*cks does help. The idea of a digital detox and regular life reviews sounds like a great way to focus on personal growth.
YES! let us know how you get on :)
Yes, I am she. It goes along with my imposter syndrome. I am working through it. Trying to be kinder to myself when making comparisons and learning to refrain from listening to my inner critic.
@ivory139 We’re in this together! How is your inner critic blocking you from being the version of yourself you want to be?
Well before I would not try things because my inner critic would say don't bother. Now that I am no longer letting my inner critic dictate my narrative if there is something I want to try I do. Sometimes with amazing results.
You got this!
Wow! Kudos to you for thinking about the legacy you want to leave and the modeling you want to provide your family. You are not alone. For one! This is so natural to do. One exercise I find really helpful with my clients is to determine their core values and to map out their life purpose. It totally lights people up and gets them out of the comparison headspace. Think of it like a mental.. redirect of the same creative energy!
I apologize for not replying earlier @BrieAbramowicz —I felt overwhelmed by all the wonderful responses and worried mine wouldn't be good enough. Your insights and support mean a lot. Thinking about the legacy I want to leave for my family has been a huge motivator. Identifying core values and mapping out life purpose sounds like a powerful exercise. It’s great to hear it helps shift focus away from comparisons. I’ll definitely try it out.