Are you aware if you are apologizing too much?

LeenaB·Jul 26, 2020

Posted in:Advice Management and Leadership Personal Growth Career Growth

We have all read posts and articles telling us to stop apologizing, but we're often not aware of how often we apologize, or how we come across as apologetic. So here are some top ways we apologize: 1. Tacking on a "Maybe this is a dumb question..." before our question.2. Saying "Sorry for the bother, but can you help me with...". 3. Giving a long explanation on why we are requesting something.4. Apologizing for not having enough experience (when trying to start a new career or trying to move into a new career).5. Having an apologetic tone/body language for wanting a clarification on a question (especially when asking it to someone "important").6. Apologizing for not being able to respond to an email/chat/phone call right away. 7. Apologizing for taking someone's time, when it's more effective to thank them for it.8. Starting with "In my humble opinion (IMHO)" or "My two cents..." before our suggestions / ideas. It's OK to have a respectful opinion without having to justify it. 9. Apologizing for taking initiative. I have done this one. For example, I would always offer to take on work during our work planning sessions saying "I'd like to take this on" and then I would end my sentence with "unless someone else wants to do it." This happened so often that finally my manager pointed it out to me in our 1:1.10. Apologizing for our wins.For some reason we apologize by downplaying our wins or cracking jokes about those. Last year, in a pre-pandemic world, I attended an event. A woman shared she was married for 30 years and then added "maybe we're doing something right after all". An embarrassed giggle followed. Contrast that with this: At the same event, the speaker introduced herself and shared that she was celebrating her 35th wedding anniversary with her husband that weekend. The audience applauded. She didn't add anything to that statement and she said it with dignity without downplaying anything or cracking jokes. 11. Finally, apologizing over nothing.The other day, I read a well-written article on LinkedIn. However, the author apologized in advance for the quality of the article followed by an explanation that it was the first time they had posted an article. At the end of the article, there was another apology. The author didn't realize that without meaning to, they had put out a subtle expectation in the reader's mind that the article would be low-quality, even before the actual content was read. As I mentioned, the article was perfectly fine; the apology was completely unnecessary. Are there other ways you have noticed others (or yourself) apologizing? Comment below!

teresaman·Jul 27, 2020

👏👏👏This is a very great list! Thank you SO much for sharing this. Overall a personal shift I've made, similar to your point #7, is to apologize less in general and thank them for the opposite. I was heavily inspired by this article about the effects of apologizing and how it makes people feel like they have to now attend to your apology.///... tangentially, I've also thought my uses of "sorry for your loss" or "I'm so sorry that has happened". I find that tends to elicit a "it's okay" when things really aren't okay, and I don't quite know what else to say in most situations. Wondering if you have any thoughts on that?///Otherwise, another article I've come across has made me recognize how often I use the word "just" in my emails and daily communications. I'm "just" checking in, I "just" wanted to let you know. I've since curbed the usage of that word and smile when I write "letting you all know" as in, hell yea I'm here to talk and not "just" doing XYZ and self-minimizing.

LeenaB·Jul 28, 2020

Great reminder and totally agree about the usage of "just". That's a really good one to call out here. Also, thanks for sharing that article!Regarding "I'm so sorry for your loss", I personally feel saying something like "This must be a difficult time for you. I feel your pain ..." is probably more genuinely compassionate than "sorry for your loss". I agree it (sorry for your loss) can come across more of a platitude.

teresaman·Jul 28, 2020

That's a great point, and a good way to reflect on what you've heard and acknowledge their emotions, but the primary subject is still THEM and not US for feeling sorry. Thank you!!

ellenflanagan·Jul 29, 2020

With regards to loss: my dad used to say, “there are no words” and accompany this this a hug, a squeeze or whatever is appropriate given your relationship with the person.

DeNicea·Jul 28, 2020

Yesssss...the "just"...HUGE!I observe if doing that for myself and for others, because whatever it is that comes afterwards is not something that is minimized.As far as the other "sorry for your loss" or "sorry that has happened." I listen to what they're saying. PAUSE. It's amazing what happens during the pause. If they're in front of you, you can see it. To have the "breathing room" to BE or share. We can remove the notion that because someone is sharing something with you, that it becomes your responsibility to make it better for them. I feel like and have observed that that is a way some try to help...by "taking it on" or even to find a way to share in the emotion. This can happen repeatedly in other environments and contexts and can lead to physical manifestations of illnesses and such.It's perfectly fine to sit and listen. You don't have to offer advice, solve their problem or anything.One thing I've used and guide women to do is to ask a more open-ended question that doesn't push a certain emotion or feeling or PROJECT your own judgments or feelings about what's happening. Go in with the notion that you're holding space for them. Sometimes simply acknowledging that whatever it is is happening in their life is happening can be monumental for people. There's a subtle discernment. I may ask, "how are you, really?" or "how are you handling/managing/coping?" Some are prompted to ask what does the other person need. Be prepared that sometimes they really don't know.I've even asked, "may I offer xyz?" It could be a hug, an ear, advice, whatever. Or depending on who it is, I might ask more generically. Asking for permission is big thing, too.

LeenaB·Jul 28, 2020

Love the advice here. Culturally, we are trained to immediately "fix" things, make things better right away. I fully agree being present with someone can be very powerful and very cathartic (for them), indeed.

jikajika·Jul 27, 2020

Thanks for the list, even though I'm looking it over and saying to myself, "Doh"!🤦🏾‍♀️

LeenaB·Jul 28, 2020

Yes, we've all done it, and we see others do it! They are very obvious gotchas!

DeNicea·Jul 28, 2020

Love this! All of the sneaky "micro-apologies." If I feel like I'm beginning to give more info than what was actually asked, then I realize I crossed into Apology Central. So I begin to PLAY around with it. Begin to gain an understanding of why did I do that in that scenario?If I did it in that scenario, guaranteed it applies to another aspect of my life. So now from this new perspective, I can transmute that energy into something else where it's more empowered and do it with confidence!I see this with the women I'm working with. The core theme is confidence in whatever area or aspect it is. So we may literally stop the play-versation and toot some doggone horns!She may not be in an environment where whatever it is that she's apologizing for is supported or encouraged. So I provide the space where it is - and we do it in a healing way for her.

LeenaB·Jul 29, 2020

@deniceahilton I love how you called it out so clearly - "when you're giving more info than was actually asked, you're entering Apology Central"!

meaghansandtorv·Jul 29, 2020

Re: realizing you're giving more info than what was asked, what a great red flag/tip! For us newbs to the 'need to stop apologizing game', I feel like apologizing has become such second nature that I don't even realize it. BUT, I definitely am cognizant of the giving-too-much-info-to-explain-myself spiral when it's happening, so that's a great self-check and entry point into being more conscientious about micro-apologies (also, love that term).

crystalt·Jul 28, 2020

Yes I've done all these things, more so with #1 and #8! Maybe being British has something to do with it as well - we say "sorry" even when there's nothing to be sorry about 🤦🏻‍♀️.Like @teresaman, I've started cutting out "just" from my vocab and using brackets. I'd use to brackets to caveat a lot of what I was saying because I wanted people to understand I'm aware of certain conditions and exceptions. I didn't realise until recently, it was probably diminishing my points.

aliciajabbar·Jul 28, 2020

I love that you call out the downsides of caveats @crystalt. I see my clients (I am a women's leadership coach) do this all the time. I find that a bigger driver of that specifically is not wanting the experience of being on the receiving end of being questioned about exceptions and caveats. When we can reframe these to be acceptable (or not personal), many women can stop doing this up front.

crystalt·Jul 30, 2020

Yes, you nailed it! I was reading "TA today" which made this point about using brackets in this fashion as a symptom of perfectionism. It was literally a lightbulb moment for me.

aliciajabbar·Jul 31, 2020

What is TA today? I have never heard of it. Thrilled you ad a lightbulb!

crystalt·Aug 01, 2020

TA = transactional analysis, it's a study of personality and how the significant adults in your childhood (parents, teachers, relatives) form your personality. As I'm going through it there are a lot of 🤔 and "right, that explains it" moments for myself. If you're interested, the one I'm reading is by Ian Stewart and Vann Joines.

aliciajabbar·Aug 02, 2020

I will definitely check it out. I am diving into Internal Family Systems (IFS) which may be different. Thanks for the recommendation.

crystalt·Aug 03, 2020

I've not heard of IFS, I will check that out also!

ellenflanagan·Jul 29, 2020

Oh Geez, this is one of the most common things that I would work with female residents on. They were clearly successful, smart, talented and yet they would apologize for everything. First step is just realizing that you are doing it. My tip - if you had or have, a daughter, would you want them to be incessantly apologizing? If not, then turn it (your behavior) around and stop because kids watch everything and they will surely learn this behavior from you!

lita81gr·Aug 01, 2020

Oh I’ve been working on these for years! I’m sure some still slip but I’ve been more conscious about not apologizing for nothing. I have also taken the habit of calling out fellow female engineers at work who apologize for doing their job, l think they appreciate the advice (I hope lol)