This is an anonymous post from an Elpha member.

What to do with bullies?

Kelsey167·Apr 22, 2023

Posted in:Vents

I am on a new, cross-functional team this year. I've been tasked with making the team more innovative, collaborative, and forward-thinking. I've gotten a lot of support from male allies (yes!!!), but recently shared some work with two women my age and they completely tore it apart. I felt that their reaction was fear-based, a "back off" attitude, and "we are above you". The entire meeting spiraled from a positive conversation to a "get back in line" situation.

I left the meeting nearly in tears, and am having a hard time shaking it. I know I have a lot to offer and have had support from the managers of these two women. I feel really defeated. I try to lead by example and lift my colleagues up. I was flabbergasted by some of their comments about how "they are above me" and I need to go back to "their way of doing things".

I know I have so much to offer, and I just feel like I've been bullied. What should my next steps be? I don't want to make a mountain out of a molehill, but I feel betrayed and also unsure what I should do. next. Typically, I tend to back off, but I am feeling really unsettled and disturbed by how insensitive their comments were.

Would really appreciate some feedback <3

Josephina141·Apr 22, 2023

I’m sorry this happened to you ❤️Can you share a few examples of their comments? That’ll help me understand the situation better and give better advice.

katieelambert·Apr 24, 2023

Try to put your feelings aside and approach with curiosity. You’re making too many assumptions. Meet with one of them. “I was surprised by how our meeting went. I want to understand more about where you’re coming from.” What are their goals? What have THEY been tasked with? What does success look like for your work together? Find common ground. Don’t bring up words like bullying or betrayal to them, and I’m uncomfortable with the way you’ve presented gender here.

Bethanie149·Apr 25, 2023

From the post though, it sounds like they could have been more professional about addressing this, especially if they are the more senior employees. There are better ways to deal with this situation than being rude or just dismissing ideas with vague reasoning other than "we know better than you cause...rEaSoNs"....OP I don't think you are in the wrong here.

patriciavidal·Apr 24, 2023

It would help to know if these women who are not receptive to your ideas are your peers, or if they are actually at an upper level in the company, even if not directly above you. Have they been there longer and thus feel they are "above" you for that reason? Not saying that either justifies their uncooperative and unhelpful language, but it might help to understand their behavior. This could help you distance yourself emotionally from their responses. A bully always wants to get to your thoughts and emotions, so if you can remain objective they will have less power over you. Perhaps it can help to look into what these women triggered for you, either in meditation or with a therapist, so you can get passed this kind of trigger in the future and move through the resistance without the upset. Also, the male "allies" who have been supportive - are these also peers or are some of them the managers of the women you mention? This may be totally off because I don't know more details, but when you say "I have been tasked with *making* the team more innovative, etc..." it strikes me that what you're experiencing could be a reflection of your wording choice here "making" - when working with a team, if some of them get the sense that you are "making" them do something, it might naturally trigger some resistance. Instead of looking at it that you have to "make them change" perhaps by "telling them how to do it," how about finding out what motivates change in them first? I think this is what @katieelambert was getting at regarding the curiosity bit, which I think is good advice.

kejieji·Apr 25, 2023

So sorry that this happened to you Kelsey. I can say I'm somewhat of a perfectionist and in my professional experience I have found that women are more thorough in giving feedback than men who mostly just co-sign my work and hardly have any input or add a critical thought. I agree with other responses that you should probably reflect back on that interaction thinking about it more objectively like the message they were actually passing across in terms of feedback. Sorry this is all we can say based on the information you've shared but I think another interaction will definitely let you know if you are being bullied or it was simply a case of miscommunication.