I was laid off by email at 5 in the morning. In their defense, my company was East coast-based and had sent the email at 8 am their time—but the fact of the matter was, I no longer had a job.
Now what?
I felt discarded and alone like the work I’d poured my soul into no longer mattered. I’d spent 15 years working my way up from human resources assistant work to now managing a large talent acquisition team, but it hadn’t been easy, even before this unexpected end.
In reality, I’d never quite felt secure in my role. As much as I loved the company and the work I did, I’d struggled with impostor syndrome since the scope of the role tripled right after I started. I certainly knew I was capable of success, but I often felt unmoored and like perhaps others didn’t see that same capability in me. Add in the high (sometimes unrealistic) expectations of the tech industry, and it was a whirlwind.
And then, not yet a full year into my role, I became a parent for the first time. My employer provided a generous parental leave and I reveled in the time with my new daughter. But the closer I got to my return, the more my anxiety grew. I didn’t want to be away from my baby, but I also wasn’t ready to be under a microscope again.
But no one can stop time, so before I knew it I was headed back to the (virtual) office. I wasn’t sure I’d ever fully acclimated to my role to begin with, and patching things together after four months off was difficult. I no longer had the freedom—or desire—to work long hours, which meant I had to cram a ton of work into an eight-hour day. Amidst all of this, I began reporting to a new manager, among other changes. When this manager shared feedback about my work not meeting her expectations, it was like a punch in the gut.
The worst of it was that night, when I vented to my group chat while watching my daughter play. I don’t feel like I can even be present for her because of my stress over all this, I said. It makes me feel like a horrible mom.
When it became clear that layoffs were imminent, a voice in the back of my mind told me I’d be on the chopping block. I told a few friends that if a layoff occurred, I was going to finally go all-in on working for myself. I didn’t, however, truly expect to be laid off—until I was.
After spending time fruitlessly applying for jobs with no success, different opportunities started to present themselves. As if by pure luck, people in my network started reaching out with consulting and contracting opportunities. I met a woman in a Slack group for alumni of my past company and she put me in touch with a friend of hers who needed some help. I heard from a former boss that a connection of hers was looking for a temporary contractor. And eventually, I had an opportunity to contract for my past company of nine years. None of these were publicly posted opportunities.
At the same time, I also took the opportunity to do something I’d always wanted to do: write. I’d already started a bit of freelancing for a startup, but I decided to leverage those posts into a portfolio and seek out more clients. On this side of things, I’ve found more success actually applying to job postings or calls for freelancers, and it has definitely taken trial and error. I’ve been successful syncing up with content agencies, but less so with completely random pitching — so far, at least.
I also tried signing up with a few companies that place fractional leaders, but saw less success there. I attribute this to the fact that the market for recruiting and HR professionals is difficult right now so businesses don’t have this need, and in fact, one organization said as much directly.
As I got further into doing this work, in addition to the resume writing and career consulting work I’d been doing on the side for years, I realized it was time to make it official. I don’t recall exactly when I stopped applying for jobs, but it’s been quite a while since I last uploaded a resume. I created an LLC –although that was probably premature and I haven’t done much with it yet – which is still existing mostly as a sole proprietor. Health insurance for the self-employed is costly, so I’m thankful that I have the privilege of a spouse with a full-time job with benefits for our family.
January will be two years since the layoff, and I won’t lie—it still stings. However, I’m also incredibly proud of myself and the work I’ve done since then. Last year, I earned much less than I’d been paid as an employee (about 38%). By the end of 2024, I’m tracking to have earned over 60% of my employee salary.
What’s more important is the fact that I have the flexibility to be the parent I want to be. While I may work more (you never really sign off when you work for yourself), I can structure my day the way it works best. I can work at my daughter’s preschool and be present for celebrations and events. I can continue working from home, which means I see her much more than I would if I had an hour-long commute to and from an office.
And while working for oneself certainly has its difficulties, I’m no longer beholden to what someone else thinks of my abilities. Sure, there is the added stress of needing to find business and land new clients, but I would take that any day over worrying about things I can’t control. Being a contractor, consultant, and freelancer lets me have more of a say. Engagements feel like a true partnership rather than trying to live up to someone else’s expectations. When I think about how much time I spent worrying about my standing with a boss, or how I would fare in a layoff, or whether I was “good enough” to get promoted, I realize how much more mental space I have now. It’s freeing.
Was it scary to commit to doing my own thing, knowing that I alone was responsible for finding ways to earn money? Sure, but it’s also been a fun challenge. Do I worry a bit about whether I’ll be able to re-enter the rat race in the future if I need to? Yes, but I’m confident that so many of the skills I’ve gained and leveraged would help. And I love being able to set an example for my daughter; whatever she decides to do in the future, I want her to feel confident and capable.
Self-employment isn’t for everyone, but chances are there is something you’ve been considering dipping your toe into but are held back by fear. Take the leap — the payoff may be worth it, and even if not, the knowledge you gain will be invaluable.
