How to mourn after job resignation

Princiya·May 21, 2021

Posted in:Advice

Dear Elpha community,I handed in my resignation at work today. Although I still have the 3-month notice period and was passively preparing for this resignation, I was not ready for the kind of emotions I am having today.I cried aloud and now I have this sense of loss although I know something exciting is waiting ahead.How to deal with this or how to mourn effectively?

Sanasi·May 21, 2021

Hello Princiya, Sending you lots of love and e-hugs.It’s okay to cry, it’s a way to process emotions, there is no right or wrong way to grief.Just do it in a healthy way like journaling, crying, while at it if need be seek help.

Princiya·May 21, 2021

Thank you @thesanasi. Yes, I am also making notes about what are my values, what to look forward to etc.

teresaman·May 21, 2021

Totalllly hear you! I think I've cried at all my resignations even though every time I am leaving a place that I've wanted to leave for some time. For me, it's the people I work with, have become friends with, who I know I would dearly miss.It's okay to cry! So let out all your feelings 🤗 One thing that I try to be mindful of is maintain ways of connecting with my colleagues/friends, and have 1:1 chats with them before I leave instead of a Slack message. It usually results in more tears but I like to use the time to let them know how much I've appreciated them ♥️

Princiya·May 21, 2021

Thank you @teresaman. This was the first time I cried during a resignation so I was not sure what this is all about. Yes, it's the people that I connected, mentored with these last 3 years! And yes, I will make sure to have 1:1s and get feedback, etc. rather than send a generic message to everyone, thanks for the tip.

CustomerSuccessChamp·May 21, 2021

I know I didn't deal with the same kind of mourning effectively when I resigned from the company I co-founded and poured in a lot. It took months for me to properly address the feeling of loss. I think it was partly because it hurt too much to confront directly with what happened and what didn't work out. For me, taking care of myself (yoga, running, travels), and having long chunks of down times (I had them with beginner's pottery program) letting my mind wander around really helped to retrospect and properly put a closure on it. Virtual hugs to you this morning!

Princiya·May 21, 2021

Thank you @HisunKim. I had poured out my heart and energy at this job because this was the role that I wanted when I was asked during the beginning of my career "where do you see yourself in the next 10-15 years".I was one of the first 5 engineers when the company started, and the product that I worked on the last 3 years was like my baby.I can also understand and relate to your feelings as a co-founder, it might have been bigger in scale than mine. But thanks for sharing your story, and kudos to you for staying strong.

CustomerSuccessChamp·May 21, 2021

ㅠㅠ When you really did above and beyond... I know how heartbreaking it is... Whatever you do, please do things that please you. You deserve them and allow yourself some long down time whenever you can. You can and will love again the work you do - it came back in time.

cadran·May 22, 2021

I think this is a really normal thing and happens for a lot of people. I've read a few good articles about it. Check out this one:https://www.nytimes.com/2018/08/23/smarter-living/why-you-should-take-time-to-mourn-during-career-transitions.html

andreaz·May 23, 2021

Hey,This makes a lot of sense, and I would echo the comments below.I'd also add there are probably different "sub tasks" to mourning.. (sorry to sound so cartesian) Some that come mind- Just spending time feeling it out - crying, going for walks, being a bit aimless / doing nothing- Figuring out what exactly you're mourning - talking to people, journalling might help with this- Doing some rituals to mark closure / transition - packing up your stuff, listing out your achievements, having some kind of goodbye eventYou could refer to the various stages of grief as well, just as a reference. It could prompt some reflection - because under the feeling umbrella of "loss", there could be many other feelings - sadness, anger, guilt, shame, but also gratitude, pride, joy, maybe even pre-emptive nostalgia? Going through and feeling / exploring each of these could help you transition emotionally in a way that might be more effective than just feeling them all in one big indistinct lump lolSince you have 3 months left I also recommend having an "exit checklist". This is everything you'd have wanted to do in that role so that you can leave with no regrets. For that, I like to think back to when I first got the job - why did I take it? Was there a particular topic you wanted to learn more about? Or a particular person who inspired you that you wanted to connect with?Lastly you could do a little "before / after" exercise looking at your beliefs or skills or whatever else before / after this job. It would help unveil the growth and experience you lived, as well as inform future plans.There really is no set way to go through any of this - you'll figure out the process that works for you <3

Princiya·May 24, 2021

Thank you @andreaz. I like the idea of an exit checklist, this is something I can work on and have closure while also preparing myself for the next role.

JadeH·May 24, 2021

Hi Princiya, virtual hugs to you! It can be really hard even when you know you are doing the right thing for you. I think it feels like when you finish a great book, or a TV show you loved, and you realise the story is finished and the characters aren't in your life any more, you're moving on without them. Have you come across the Kübler-Ross grief model (sometimes called 'change curve')? I've found checking in on where I think I am really helpful, and even if I go backwards (it looks linear but shouldn't be seen that way) it makes me pause to consider why, what's trigged that move back.https://www.healthline.com/health/stages-of-grief#anger(Sometimes the model is shown as further stages within "acceptance")Take some time and don't pressure yourself to be 'being' a certain way. Be kind to yourself and good luck for what's ahead!

Princiya·May 26, 2021

Thank you @jadeh. I really like the analogy of a great book or a TV show, I am totally that kind of person who pauses for some time so that I can still persevere with the characters...Not heard of the Kübler-Ross model, but I am learning about it as I am writing here, thank you for sharing.

loujeinmouammer·May 26, 2021

Hello Princiya,This is my 1st day on Elpha (a friend recently referred me to) and I couldn't help but comment on your post. It was great reading the comments and finding out that I'm not the only person who can't pull themselves together during the registration process (I thought I was weak). Even though I've wanted to leave for a while now because of the very few opportunities to grow and be heard, I still cried during my zoom calls (very embarrassing). I did feel better a week after, so like what everyone else said give yourself some time to grief healthy. The advice I recently got from a "women in tech peer group" that I wanted to share with you is to make meaningful connections before you leave. This is the time to solidify those strong relationships and expand your network. I'm sending out individual messages/emails to folks in the company who I might not have worked with directly but I was impacted by their strength, knowledge and confidence at the workplace. I'm also sharing my private contact information so people can always reach out to me in the future. As for starting a new job, I'm absolutely terrified. Can't help battling my imagination of what could go wrong. I'm officially starting next week and I hope I'm ready for what's coming. I keep reminding myself that I'm an excellent problem solver and there is nothing in front of my way that I can't figure out. Sorry for the long message but I'm very excited about finding a safe space to share my thoughts freely. :)

Princiya·May 26, 2021

@loujeinmouammer thank you for sharing. yes, I have started sending messages to my colleagues and we hope to catch up 1:1, and I really like this as people are sharing feedback, kind words and support.and... wish you all the best for your new job, you are amazing and you got this 💯