There I was, in a hospital bed, recovering from the premature delivery of my baby, who was intubated in the NICU in another section of the hospital. I was reeling from the shocking experience. Yet I was clickety-clacking on my laptop because a VP in my office needed my help with “one more slide” before a finalist presentation.
Here are the things I did wrong, statistics to explain the ethos behind why I did all the wrong things, and how you can do better with your maternity leave.
Don’t internalize systemic bias
Every time a woman in tech gets a promotion, two men get promotions (the McKinsey stat is 100 men to 52 women) (1). Conversely, BlackRock recently released a report showing companies that promote women tend to show higher returns (2). Women have far greater potential than the tech industry is ready to acknowledge. The systemic bias for women in tech gets even more trepidatious when motherhood is added to the equation. Let the supporting statistics assure you that you’re not alone, even if it feels like you are.
What is the ideal situation for young children? Pew Research Center found that most respondents said they should have a mom who works part-time or doesn’t work at all. Only 16% said a full-time working mom was ideal (3). Then Pew flipped the question: What’s the ideal situation for a dad with young children? It wasn’t even close. 70% said he should be working full time (4).
The split in psychological safety is apparent. Women believe they are judged and miss out on opportunities for development and growth because of assumptions about their ability or willingness to navigate childcare. Many times, dads get a halo while moms get a side-eye.
“There no doubt is a double standard for women handling family challenges in the workforce. Expect an eye roll when Jane has to leave to pick up her sick child from school versus accolades and admiration if Jeff has to do the same task,” says Cie Nicholson in the book she co-authored with three other female executives with the spicy title, You Should Smile More.
Unfortunately, Nicholson’s appraisal isn’t a one-off individual experience. The eye roll for her hypothetical Jane is grounded in research. A woman’s valuation of competency can turn on a dime and in ways that do not affect men. In the Journal of Social Issues, Amy Cuddy studied professional women. She found that working women are sorted into two categories: homemakers–viewed as warm but incompetent–or female professionals–viewed as competent but cold (5).
Cuddy’s research was clear. When she looked at men and what happens to them in the office when they become parents, she saw the reality: men, like women, gain perceived warmth when donning the cloak of domesticity. But unlike women, men maintain their perceived competence. And in the workplace, perception is a big deal. Women go to great lengths to maintain their competency rating to make it look easy. The struggle is well documented regarding women trying to be good mothers. But it’s hardly the only situation in which they make it look easy, or else threat looms large.
It can feel isolating and confusing to experience the double standard bubbling under the surface of office politics. Acknowledging that it exists and that you’re not alone is crucial. That is the only way to avoid internalizing this bias and consuming it as a reflection of your personal contributions, leadership, potential, and value, especially for new moms returning from maternity leave.
Prepare for “eww” and other antiquated views on motherhood
I love to watch nineties TV. One of the most jarring elements is not the sheen of the neon purple windbreakers, but the belief that women have already leapfrogged over the sexism of yore. This was the belief I grew up buying into, and it’s one of the things that can make it even more challenging when faced with the reality of staunchly antiquated views.
Allison Parker of Melrose Place talks proudly about infusing post-sexism ideals into her ad campaigns. She refers to the “Nineties Cinderella” as an updated fairytale figure who “dances with Prince Charming while she talks deals on her cellular phone" (6). Two decades later, the McKinsey, Pew, and Cuddy research mentioned above all reflect a different reality.
I didn’t realize how different until I became a mother.
“Eww" said an executive when I asked about storing the milk I expressed while in the office. The pressure from your pediatrician and the mommy-sphere to breastfeed vs. the struggle of the reality for a working mom creates a baffling struggle. I was surprised by the juxtaposition. I wish I had been prepared to advocate for resources to make breastfeeding easy while in the office, traveling, or at home.
Pro-tips:
- Advocate for resources to make your return to work easier – MomTech like Mamava and MilkStork can be game changers!
- Know your rights
- Confront bias
- Track the comments, actions, and microaggressions designed to put more pressure on you while you’re going through one of the greatest (but most challenging) moments in the story of your life
It has been seven years since that executive said “eww” to my reasonable request for accommodation, which is a requirement, not a luxury. I’ll always regret not explaining to him that it wasn’t an appropriate reaction.
Create healthy boundaries against the seemingly minor “just one more” requests
Long before your baby is begging for one more slide at a playground or one more story before bed, you have to deal with the “one mores” at work bleeding into your maternity leave. Getting back to the story I started with, there I was, in a hospital bed, recovering from the premature delivery of my baby, who was intubated in the NICU in another section of the hospital. I was reeling from the shocking experience. Yet I was clickety-clacking on my work laptop because a VP in my office needed my help with “one more slide” before a finalist presentation.
Setting healthy boundaries can be challenging when it’s countercultural to your workplace, but no one will remember that urgent task five years from now. I set the expectation that my maternity leave didn’t have boundaries before I was even home from the hospital.
Later when I was on a schedule of reduced hours, I was expected to run an event and get to an in-person meeting an hour away on the same day. It would double the hours I was paid to work and when I tried to set appropriate expectations about the limits (of space and time), the same VP who asked for “one more slide” while I was in the hospital told me how I disappointed him for enforcing the boundaries of my maternity leave agreement.
Once you bend your boundaries, it becomes easier for others to expect more from you than you have to give. Maternity leave isn’t a luxury. It isn’t a vacation. You are doing the critical work of bonding with and caring for an infant. On top of that, you are healing yourself after a major medical event that takes a dramatic toll on your body long after you leave the hospital. There are a cacophony of hormonal changes (estrogen, progesterone, prolactin, oxytocin, relaxin (7)) and it can take six months to return to the pre-pregnancy hormonal baseline (8).
You are replaceable at work. Protect your maternity leave and boundaries when you return because you are not replaceable to your baby.
TL;DR: Three ways to make returning from maternity leave easier
- Don’t internalize systemic bias
- Prepare for “eww” and other antiquated views on motherhood
- Create healthy boundaries against the seemingly small “just one more” requests
References:
(1) https://www.mckinsey.com/featured-insights/diversity-and-inclusion/women-in-the-workplace
(4) https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/you-should-smile-more-how-dismantle-gender-bias-samantha-rideout/
(7) https://flo.health/being-a-mom/recovering-from-birth/postpartum-problems/hormones-after-birth
