This is an anonymous post from an Elpha member.

Uncertain Whether Offers to Mentor from Men Are Legit

anonymous·Nov 11, 2019

I am starting up a social business (a B Corp) in 2020. In stealth mode at the moment.What I’ve been finding out that is strange to me is: it’s predominately men stepping up to offer to advise or mentor me. One older Asian woman who previously said she would mentor me has really not stepped up to her pledge. She didn’t answer my email messages to her. Learned later she had family matters to deal with.Other women who I mention what I doing say “That’s nice” and do not offer to help.The men I’ve encountered (older, retired alumni & other business professionals slightly connected to my MBA professors) have been very good & generous about giving me advice.I’m just a little “gun shy”. I’m a petite Asian female and have been told I’m attractive. I just want to be more secure that it’s safe to be meeting these “advisors” in private one-on-one meetings. And that I’m being taken seriously. Just feel uncomfortable when men flirt with me.Advice? Thank you in advance.

ara206·Nov 11, 2019

Hm this is tough! There are a lot of men in the business world so on one hand it makes sense, but on the other hand if you have any doubts that they're just there to help you and mentor you I would maybe try meeting them in public (get coffee, etc.) or see if you're going to the same events as them as talk to them there. I'm sorry that your experience finding women to mentor you has been challenging! Perhaps you could find a remote mentor (like on Elpha!) or find meetups/events specifically for women?

anonymous·Nov 12, 2019

Thanks for your suggestion, Sandra.Being Asian American & raised by an old country mentality Mom, it’s difficult to be direct and ask for help. Was raised to rely on just myself. Which has been challenging while a Engineering student (only 3 women in my program and non of them wanted to be friends).

ara206·Nov 12, 2019

I can definitely relate to some degree! I come from a family of immigrants and know what you mean by old country mentality. Asking for help is hard, so kudos for being here on Elpha doing that exact thing right now! :) Even though engineering is technical, it's so much easier to progress in your career and find opportunities if you have a strong network in my experience, so I hope your past experiences don't deter you from continuing to seek those connections.

teresaman·Nov 12, 2019

Hi anon! I'm sorry you feel that you have to be cautious when approached by male mentors due to unclear intentions. I would perhaps try the following:- meet in casual environments not conducive to alcohol (coffee shops) or restaurants in the morning (and therefore cannot carry into evening drinks or further plans, also offer easy exits)- ask the folks who are offering their help for names of their past mentees (founders, colleagues, etc.). This serves two purposes:1. you can backchannel their character, expertise, and maybe intent through their previous mentees in what is hopefully an honest and candid conversation2. make your potential mentors aware that you are not blindly accepting mentorship and that you are being selective and intentional about mentorship fitAnd trust your intuition! I think this often goes unsaid but many unfortunate cases tend to spring from female founders second-guessing their thinking and forfeiting their spidey senses in hopes to not give up or damage a valuable connection / mentor relationship. I'd like to think that we have pretty good gut instincts when it comes to this type of stuff :) Lastly, you may also want to check out All Raise's female mentor / advisor network (available through their Seed bootcamp) here: https://www.allraise.org/founder/founder-championsGood luck!

anonymous·Nov 12, 2019

Thank you for your advice!