This is an anonymous post from an Elpha member.

Is it ok to a male boss to invite a female team member for a coffee or drinks just like he does to other male members of the team?

Alexis219·Feb 26, 2022

So here is a scenario, is ok to a male boss to invite other male members for drinks or coffee after working hours in order to socialise but does the same scenario applies if he invite a female member? Or does he has to invite always another female or male to not sound creepy even if the intention is nothing to do with being creepy... it's just to do the same activity (like socialising )that he does with other male members.

Iynna·Feb 26, 2022

Obviously there's a lot that need to be assessed e.g the existing relationship between the male boss and woman who reports back. If it is all professional and boundaries somehow created, then it is totally fine with me. It's only weird if one or both parties make it weird.Curious to hear others' thoughts?

teresaman·Feb 26, 2022

I agree with you here. Drinks or coffee outside of work hours (if it's reasonable hours) sounds completely kosher to me, provided the men don't say or do anything out of line.

Tenesha182·Feb 28, 2022

Agreed! I've had plenty of coffee/bar chats 1:1 and they're great times to loosely collaborate on ideas. I've had a prior boss suggest a bar chat months into a job and relationship was established, citing not bringing it up earlier in the relationship as to not make it weird. It was a good idea to establish boundaries first and then openly address why.

nicgreen02·Feb 26, 2022

I want it to be fine, but because he is the boss he does have to be aware of how it could be perceived by others or the female employee, or she could even present it as creepy even though it was genuine, if there are ever performance issues that he has to act on in the future. When I was a female manager of a male team most of my team were married or had partners, which helped, and I made an extra effort to meet their spouses which cut down on the ‘who’s this nicole person you’re always on the phone with’. We also did a lot of small group gatherings (dinner, hh, etc)

Filomena21·Feb 26, 2022

I would argue it’s not okay for them NOT to invite a female employee to coffee or drinks one-on-one if they are doing the same for male employees.It’s one thing if you are getting sketchy vibes (and do trust your gut). But a lot of important career advancements for me have happened related to things that were discussed in informal settings outside the office with a male boss in a one-on-one setting, and the discussions couldn’t have been had in group social settings. Nothing remotely sexual or inappropriate was going on.

KateTerry·Feb 28, 2022

This is in a public place, right? No boss should provide informal access to some team members and not others, especially when access is doled out based on gender, race, family status, etc. Terrible idea to only invite the men out for drinks, and weird not to invite women on precisely the same terms.

sallyd·Feb 28, 2022

I think I understand the reason for the question, but it still makes me sad it has to be asked. Having a drink or a coffee casually and the opportunity for an informal chat is an important part of professional development. Suggesting someone might think twice about including women in that opportunity is a poor reflection on 2022.

MeganWinters·Feb 28, 2022

I think it's totally normal for people to socialise with each other regardless of gender. It's all about how the two people relate to each other, if they enjoy each others company, if they want to attend of feel pressure to do so.

amyburns·Feb 28, 2022

Eh, I would be leery of this for male/female. While it could be totally innocuous especially in a public setting, in my experience there is usually something more than casual happening. I had this happen to me, and felt very uncomfortable (thinking "what what I tell my husband about this meeting" my work ethic is that I'd want to easily explain any meeting to anyone) and instead accepted the offer only by including another coworker. Granted this might seem old-fashioned but I was willing to meet for work only, with another coworker, we kept the discussion to business.

Alexis219·Mar 01, 2022

It seems we have some different opinion. I personally would feel left out, but everything depends on the context because I see you all US based and this happens in Ireland...

sallyd·Mar 02, 2022

This is a good point, I am not really following why so many people feel this is uncomfortable, I'm in UK. It sounds like it depends on the local culture. I'm glad that's not the case here, all of my bosses have been male and I would not have progressed if I couldnt socialise. I've never had an issue.I really do think most people are basically good. If someone is nervous then pick a public place and don't drink alcohol, because what if it's not sketchy, just a great opportunity.

Filomena21·Mar 02, 2022

Can you share more details about your situation? Are you the woman being left out, or are you the male boss?

katpoole·Mar 30, 2023

I'd stick to coffee TBH. Coffee gives productivity and networking vibes, drinks gives gossip and flirting vibes.