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Repeating Patterns & Limiting Beliefs

Hi,

It all started with an exercise on writing out my Limiting Beliefs, and am struggling 😥

I don't know exactly what is the limiting belief I am having within myself. And how am I supposed to re-frame it if I can't even identify the problem?

And this other part here may be different, or connected (I can't see through all the fog right now). I've also noticed that I'm in a previous situation that has happened in the past. It has cropped up again in a different form.

I'm working for ZERO pay. The intangible pay is tons of stress emotionally, mentally, physically.

This similar situation in the past has happened with my family's business where none of us got paid, but all the other vendors got to eat.

Now it's happening again with my significant other's company that he founded, but the difference now is there are Partners who aren't doing their part, don't see the issue, and just farting around doing nothing to bring in and close contracts.

Supposedly, it's not as easy as just kicking them out of the company.

I'm in such a fog and loss that I've lost myself: What I'm meant to do. I don't even know my purpose because I've also been in such survival mode to just barley keep from drowning. And I have found myself repeating a pattern from the past. I'm so stuck, so utterly, frustratingly lost, angry and sad at the same time.

Feeling all Alone :(...

It sounds a bit like PTSD. I can’t tell from the wording of your post — are you and your partner both founders working only for equity (no salaries) right now?
Hi @Filomena21, my significant other is the founder of the company.We would have salaries going if the other partners bring in a set amount of monies. In the meantime, there are shares.
I see from your other comments that you are working for your SO unpaid as well. You told your SO that this was a damaging situation for you, but you said that you can't leave your role because one of the "useless" partners would take over. Is this how you feel (worried they would do a poor job), or how your SO feels (not letting you quit)?It sounds like you should quit and get a salaried job for your mental health and also to save your relationship with your SO. I agree with @smitakumar. Also, if you step back in your role, it could cause SO to have the hard conversations with these partners that he is currently avoiding. Right now, it sounds like you might be enabling his his current behavior (even though of course it comes from a good place).
I'm so sorry that you're going through this. - What stage is your significant other's company at? (I ask because I'm wondering how entrenched the partners are, whether it's going well in general) - Is it possible to leave that company?- Are you able to take a break over xmas? The fact that you've ended up in an unpaid company twice might not be down to a limiting belief, it's just unfortunate circumstances. You sound like you've identified that the company is draining you, the partners are draining you, and now you are looking for the solution.
@charlottefountaine, you are spot on with the identifiers. I'm not exactly sure how to answer your first question regarding stages. We're a consulting company so it's not the usual process as would be a startup.I will say that the partners have shares (4 of us) in the company, and there's 1 unofficial advisor. My sig other has been the only one bringing in contracts. I had taken a leave of absence for mental well-being for close to a year. He wanted me to step back into my role because one of the partners wanted to take over my role.I had told my sig other that I did not want to be in the company anymore as it was taking a toll on me, and our relationship. There was fear, worry, upset, concern, all at the same time on his face. I only stayed and stepped back in to prevent the other partner from taking over my role. I have asked my sig other many times as to why we are keeping a partner who is not performing, and he says that it would cost a lot of money to remove him-money that we don't have.This leaves me stumped as he has not brought in a single contract for over 3 years now.I wish I could just up and go, regardless of my shares. And yet I don't want to abandon him either.I have no idea what other solutions are out there, as mine is not the one.
Hello,I am so sorry to read this :(I am no expert in this, but I believe coaching or therapy could be a good way to understand Patterns & Limiting Beliefs. I know of this organization who p provides coaching services for a very reasonable price (or even for free): https://thewia.org/program/ You may want to reach out.Also, please feel free to DM me if you want to talk.Teresa
Thank you so much @TeresaComi, I appreciate the wonderful resource and would love to further connect :))
Thank you for sharing your experience and thoughts. It sounds like a self-worthiness issue, setting boundaries, conveying your values, and walking in principle. I understand, because I've stood there before. It's not an overnight discovery, but take the time and work to understand yourself first. Please, be kind to yourself, and nurture yourself as you would a child during this time. Because, identifying these things take time and practice, it's a lifelong journey. To start, don't think too hard about it; try taking the most surface, superficial, and random limiting belief you have about yourself to complete the assignment.By making it your priority to complete the assignment rather than tearing yourself apart to figure out "what's wrong with you," you'll understand nothing is wrong with you. You just haven't accepted the circumstances which inspired you to react and respond to situations. This first step is to practice, by using a surface element so that later, a deeper understanding will reveal itself, and you can complete the assignment and repeat.
Yes, you are very correct on all those things (Self-worthiness issue, setting boundaries, etc...)Thank you for the gentle reminder. <3
Hi I worked with my partner until maternity and made the decision to resume my previous job. In my experience, working together was conflict prone but my sense of responsibility or a feeling that I need to help him because if he succeeds we will succeed kept coming up. Working together also meant that I'd feel guilty whenever I took the time off because my husband was constantly thinking about the startup. Eventually it came down to different work styles and me also not being in the state of mind if giving something my 300%>I don't know if this resonates, but the moment you think they are going to be fine and that you can support in other ways than being a co-founder, you start to feel more at ease. More than a limiting belief, do you believe you are indispensable to this venture, or that the relationship is dependent on you also being partners ? Untangle this.If earning some fixed income will help you feel better, state that as a mental health requirement. You could even part-time till you feel ready to go full-time.
Hi @smitakumar, the "sense of responsibility" in part comes from the need to help fend him from unproductive partners, and bringing down the company that is very much his livelihood. My sig other has spent so much of his very beingness on keeping the company afloat.I'm doing what I can on my part now after having had taken some time away for myself because of all the stress it was causing me. I only stepped back in because one of the partners wanted to take over my role, and my sig other knew that would not be a good thing. And we can't just kick out the other partner, supposedly, I don't know why as he has not brought in a single contract.If I did not have to think or worry about this company issue, I would happily leave and support my sig other in other ways. I just don't know how to get out of this 'dark forest'.I am currently doing some independent contract work, which is helping a bit. I may need to look into temp work as well though.
As I see itThere is his company which he has worked so hard to build and is his means of livelihood (and maybe also a huge part of his identity).There is the case of unproductive partners. Sadly this happens a lot in startups. A friend of mine recently bought out his unproductive partner. There may be reasons the partners are unproductive - they are moonlighting elsewhere or have just lost interest / aren't motivated enough. Need to get to the Why of it.- can your sig other work with a business coach who can help him access his resources to sort these inter-personal issues out. It's a losing game if he's going to be held back by these partners. Would you be happy in the future feeling that someone is reaping benefits of your hardwork?- why are you unpaid, and why do they get to get paid if they are partners. Can this arrangement be relooked at ?I think your sig other needs to have tough conversations to stabilise this ship. You are in a tough spot because you are worried for his well being and your instinct is to do whatever it takes to protect him and his baby (company). You also need to protect yourself. What conversations are you avoiding - does he know how this is affecting you ? - are you sacrificing some of your non negotiables to make this company work- how does this align with what you want to do next.- do you have someone objective to speak with ? I am glad you found a place here to share with, because bottling this can be hard. - you are becoming aware that this approach may not be the only approach and there could be other ways to support and thrive. Which is a great start!I have been in this situation and i empathise. In case you want to chat further, let me know.
Good morning dear! First of all, you are not alone - you have a beautiful community of women here who are open to supporting you. Secondly - great job reaching out for support! That can be so hard to do and I really want to recognize you for realizing that you are not well and not happy or OK with all of this and admitting it and reaching out for support.Working with an SO can be very challenging - it gets complicated to hold boundaries, say NO and stand in our own sense of self worth and integrity. I saw you wrote that you have a "need to help him" - I would love to dig into that further... do you notice yourself helping your SO at the cost of your own wellbeing? If so, this can indicate "people pleasing" tendencies, which can often stem from a low sense of self worth. I would love to ask you some more questions - like how you came to do the Limiting Beliefs exercise? What about it was hard to get onto paper? I am a transformational coach and specialize in these areas around burnout/self worth. I would be happy to offer you a free hour of coaching support if you like - send me a DM! xx
By reading your post, one limiting belief appears to be the thought that you're condemned to repeat a pattern -> That makes you feel stressed emotionally, mentally, physically -> You ruminate about past experiences -> You give yourself evidence of that thought.Examples of the evidence you give yourself:- I'm in a previous situation that has happened in the past. It has cropped up again in a different form.- This similar situation in the past has happened with my family's business where none of us got paid, but all the other vendors got to eat.- Now it's happening again with my significant other's company that he founded- I'm in a previous situation that has happened in the pastWhilst you may be repeating the patter, what else may be true as well?
My 2 c, so take what resonates and discard the rest.What is the belief or set of beliefs that leads you to:- not value your time- prioritize the emotional and physical well-being of others over your own- take responsibility for fixing situations that are not yours to fix- assume responsibility for people's actions rather than holding them accountable - avoid difficult conversations with others to set boundaries and/or hold them accountable Limiting beliefs are all the ways in which we were taught not to love ourselves. So what is the voice saying? If I had to guess:I'm not lovable if I'm not useful. I need to prove my worth because I'm not good enough as I am. I won't survive or feel safe if I have to do it alone. Something there either resonates or will trigger a reaction because it's wrong. Journal or follow the thread until you find the statement that feels right.