This is an anonymous post from an Elpha member.

Hitting a wall after 3+ years

Esperanza70·May 30, 2023

Posted in:Advice Personal Growth Tech Career Growth

Hi all, would love some advice here or maybe just hear perspectives from other women who have shared a similar experience. I work at a startup that I've seen geow from ~20 employees to 100+ in a few years. I started in a very entry level role and have gotten promoted twice in a short amount of time.

Now I feel like I'm hitting a wall. As the company grows, that of course means more personalities to work with, including new leadership team members. Lately with one colleague, I feel as though he withholds information from me and likes to have full control over projects that overlap into my space. It's more apparent in my direct conversations with him. I've also been included in and then pulled from conversations/initiatives almost silently. I don't think the latter is being done in a malicious way - the separation of responsibilities and ownership just seems unclear, but this also can be extremely demotivating.

Example: We recently got into a huge partnership and I helped put together a deck of materials to help our VP train the partner's team. There were three presentations - me and four others from our company joined, and three names were mentioned when we were introduced (all but mine). Today I was on an internal sync regarding the same initiative and the same thing happened - four of us were on the call and our founder addressed three of our names but not mine.

I can't tell if my efforts are not being seen or just not recognized. I don't know if they think I have too much on my plate and so are pulling me out from some things. And of course the scariest thought is that they don't include me because they don't find me as valuable and thus replaceable down the road. I also don't feel the same value/respect for my input as I did in the past and don't know if I should start looking elsewhere. I honestly am a bit unaware of how exactly or what exactly I'm feeling right now. I've been very loyal to this company, but wondering if looking elsewhere will be the only way for me to get unstuck or there is something I need to do or say on my end.

melaniealmeida·May 31, 2023

"I also don't feel the same value/respect for my input as I did in the past and don't know if I should start looking elsewhere. I honestly am a bit unaware of how exactly or what exactly I'm feeling right now. I've been very loyal to this company, but wondering if looking elsewhere will be the only way for me to get unstuck or there is something I need to do or say on my end."A former female colleague gave me the advice that in moments of doubts she accepts job interviews elsewhere.From these job interviews, she evaluates if she is still happy in her current job or if the grass in greener elsewhere.It happened that after these interviews she decided to stay and change things internally, and it happened that she decided it was time to move.

Alexa167·May 31, 2023

I do the same. It helps me feel more in control of the situation and ensure I'm making the decision to stay because of a real understanding of the tradeoffs and benefits rather than because of a lack of options.

MelissaB·May 31, 2023

It's such a hard situation to navigate, and I'm sorry your feeling this way.If it were me, I"d have to address it. I'd ask questions adm talk to your direct manager first. I'd frame it something like: I love working here, and contributing to our growth. Lately, I observed that my contributions are not as visible. Offer an example. Ask: what can I do differently to ensure visibility of my work? How your manager answers the question, will give you clarity on how they view your value. This should help answer whether you start looking for another role or not. I hope this helps.

Alexa167·May 31, 2023

Sometimes employees and companies grow in different directions. That's especially true when a company is growing extremely fast; at scaling companies, roles can change meaningfully every 3-6 months. Priorities change, new stakeholders are introduced, talented ICs are layered with new management... It's okay to outgrow your company! But first I'd have a frank conversation with your manager about how you're feeling. Maybe they haven't realized how hard things have gotten and can make a few changes to unblock you. Or perhaps they'll be relieved to hear you're not blind to the challenges you're facing and will work on a plan with you to improve. Or maybe you'll mutually realize it's time to explore new opportunities. But start there, with a conversation, or you'll be making a decision without full information.

Neda103·Jun 05, 2023

Because we don't have psychology in school, we are all in the dark about what behaviors are that we encounter in work situations. What you are describing is the character profile of a narcissist. They really don't do things purposely, but at the end of the day, they do. A narcissist cannot survive a single day without minimizing other people in order to feel good about themselves. This happens in extremely subtle ways. But it is definitely happening. From your description, it is unclear if the narcissist is responsible for leaving your name out, but this happening two times is no coincidence. I don't know this for a fact, but here is my take of it: the narcissist has made very subtle indications about you not being quite as good, fast, intelligent, or whatever as he had hoped, thought of, wished. These suggestions are often so subtle that they can only be read in a facial expression. But the person they talked to will pick up the cue and take for granted that you are in fact less important, valuable, and intelligent. When you have witnessed that a narcissist belittles you in some way, then you know they do 10 times that when you are not in the room. Other people then become what is called 'flying monkeys'. (no joke, this is the terminology used by psychiatrists). They will take sides with the narcissist and become their allies. Many people do this because they realize that it is better to side with a narcissist, because of the manipulation they are capable of. All this is completely unconscious, with the narcissist himself as well as with the flying monkeys. People just unconsciously sense the danger and side with the more ruthless one. It's a survival instinct. Usually, what one has to do is become very visible in the workplace, to work against this silent, creeping erosion of ones's professional reputation. At the same time, you have to be very careful, that you don't become too dominant when the narcissist is in the room, otherwise he will see you as an enemy and there is no winning this. Again, all this is unconscious. They can't help themselves. The idea here would be to be this super friendly, overly polite, wide-smiling person who politely but firmly reminds people that your name is missing from the list.You need to re-establish the truth each time you come across a violation like this. With this, you can cover maybe 1/10 of all things that happen. Most violations will happen behind your back.If a narcissist has something to gain from you being diminished, and leaving the company, this is a train set in motion and because narcissists have a lifetime of training in eroding other people, this is a losing game. The advice can only be to start looking for a new job. This is not 'running way'. There is no chance to win this. To get more knowledge about how to deal with narcissists at the the workplace, there are many excellent youtube videos. Dr Carter's videos are a great way to start. Knowledge is power, my friend.