This is an anonymous post from an Elpha member.

Leaving an emotionally abusive marriage

Krystyna189·May 16, 2021

Posted in:Family & Relationships Health & Wellness

Hello Elpha Community, I have never gone public on this subject before, please note I am working with both professionals in the space and family, but I am leaving a marriage of 11 years this month. We have no children. The ghosts that keep coming up for me is the guilt around being in a marriage where emotional abuse and neglect, were not obvious but consistent. Guilt for voicing it, but not taking action sooner. Guilt for being a champion of other women’s voices but unable to advocate fully for my own. Guilt for not seeing clearly the destructive behavior that I allowed against me. Again, not obvious, he never yelled but he belittled. He chose when to love and I accepted it. For years, he said he believed in me and my abilities, but cut me down at every process, step I took and decision I made. I was never looking to him for guidance nor to find approval, rather in the genuine joy of sharing something I was proud to have accomplished. Would you not share it with the person you’ve chose to do life with? I have been protecting him and his reputation for years, but tonight I discovered he has been sharing personal details behind my back to our friends. While I was slowly trying to share to maintain our decision to keep it peaceful. Thankfully we have a divorce mediator who is amazing and calls him on his BS. It was the first time in a long time where it felt it wasn’t just me. My parents love him, but I wrote them a letter detailing out the breakdown and neglect, mainly to fully voice years of abuse I could never fully explain. They are now being supportive. I write this bc it is sometimes easier to admit it first anonymously before I have to face the ones I hold dear with the truth. Thanks for the community, support and platform.

Nathalie201·May 17, 2021

I’m so sorry you are going through this and I want to say that everything you are feeling is normal especially the guilt. I don’t have much to say but I just want to say that you are very courageous for leaving. It’s not an easy decision but no matter how long it took, you choose yourself and that is something to be proud of. One day at a time 💙.

Krystyna189·May 19, 2021

💕 Thank you.

Aileen·May 17, 2021

The very best of luck to you. Well done on getting yourself to this point. You’ve recognised and acknowledged the issue. You’re working on getting away. That’s excellent. I’m sorry that you’ve had to deal with this for so long. I’m also impressed at your strength and bravery.

Krystyna189·May 19, 2021

💫 Thank you for you kind words.

shanicejdouglas·May 17, 2021

I'm really sorry to hear that you've endured this kind of emotional abuse for so long. I don't know you, but I just wanted to say that I'm proud of you. One of the hardest things to do in life is to be vulnerable enough to pretty much destabilize all that you know, but in the end, you've done it, and (while it may not feel that way right now), you're stronger for it. Processing this experience won't be linear, easy, or even quick. However, one thing to keep in mind is to give yourself grace and shower yourself with patience and kindness at all points.You got this 🌼🌱

Krystyna189·May 19, 2021

🙌🏻 Yes, it does feel destabilizing but long overdue. Thank you!

emilypatterson·May 20, 2021

It is really hard, but you will be better and happier on the other side, I promise.

hannahcake·May 24, 2021

Thank you so much for sharing! Deciding to leave is the hardest step, but every day that you choose yourself and your safety you'll feel better. I hope you continue to trust your intuition and find the validation & support you need.

BetsyBarker·May 25, 2021

Have you watched Brene Brown’s TED talk on shame? Very freeing!If there was alcohol involved, there are very strong support groups for families and friends of alcoholics. He made his choices, and it’s not your fault !You need to survive no matter what he does, and to build a new life based on your wants and dreams.