Why does feedback hurt?

padmini·Nov 26, 2020

Posted in:Advice Favors Early Career Family & Relationships Management and Leadership Personal Growth Society & Culture Tech

Hi all!I'm writing a series on receiving feedback right now and trying to dig into why feedback hurts. I'd love to understand why we feel hurt and anxious when we're receiving feedback. I have some ideas on why some feedback hurts me, but would love to hear what you all think. If you can remember a time where you received feedback and felt hurt by it -- what do you think caused that?

andreadiaz·Nov 26, 2020

Hi @ipadmini, great question!I've recently had lots of experience with receiving great feedback and feedback that left me feeling like absolute trash. I'll dig a bit into both.The really great feedback I received started by telling me all the parts that I was doing really well on, digging into why they were great (rather than just stating that they were great). It then continued by telling me where I could improve (but noting that they could see that I was already improving), and gave me direction as to how I could improve it. I left the feedback session feeling empowered, knowing exactly what I had to do to make it better, and most importantly, knowing that I already possessed the skills I needed to improve.The really crappy feedback was the polar opposite. It was harsh (almost outright mean) and seemed to make digs at me directly. This hurt because when I receive feedback about my work, I try to "not feel hurt" by reminding myself that the feedback isn't about me directly, but about the work. What this feedback was telling me, however, was that it was indeed a defect in me. Moreover, they gave no indication as to how I could improve. I left the feedback session feeling that the feedback was mean, vague, and generally unhelpful. I felt like I had no sense of direction, and felt very discouraged as I didn't know how to move forward and, because they had made digs at me, I felt I didn't have the capability to improve.It's important to note that both of these people gave me feedback about the exact same piece of work, and ultimately, the "message" of the feedback was the same. But the way in which they delivered it and how they empowered me to do something with that feedback made all the difference.

JaneManthorpe·Nov 27, 2020

Feeling rejected and hurt from negative feedback is just the ego part of you getting hurt, as you think you are a failure, and that hurts!If you come from another perspective and think that feedback is just people airing their views on your work/product/service and take it as that, you can then take it how you want.Getting feedback that is positive gives you a feeling of that your are good enough, where as negative starts up that ego mind that you are no good, and all sorts of emotions come up.Its working on your inner belief systems about your ability to know that your work is good enough and that feedback is just additional pieces of information you can use or not use to make your work/product/service better (only if it relates and increases the value)Awareness is the key to the feelings you experience from feedback. As they are just emotions and feelings that will pass. Take the emotions and feelings on board and allow them to surface and they will disappear as quickly as they come. Then take on onboard the feedback and use your inner intuition to know which bits are useful or not or just people being a troll!As this quote states from Esther (Abraham): (replace parents with people)Other’s Opinion Are Less Important Than My Personal Guidance System… You did not intend to use the opinions of your parents to measure against your beliefs, desires, or actions in order to determine the appropriateness of them. Instead, you knew (and still remembered, long after you were born) that it was the relationship between the opinion (or knowledge) of the Source within you and your current thoughts, in any moment, that would offer you perfect guidance in the form of emotions. You did not intend to replace your Emotional Guidance System with the opinions of your parents even if they were in harmony with their Emotional Guidance System in the moment of their trying to guide you. It was much more important to you to recognize the existence of your own Guidance System, and to utilize it, than to be deemed correct by, or to find approval from, others.Excerpted from The Vortex on 8/31/09Our Love Esther (Abraham and Jerry)Just my two cents :)