Have you read Saira Rao and Regina Jackson's book "White Women: Everything You Already Know About Your Own Racism and How to Do Better" yet? And/or have you watched Deconstructing Karen on AppleTV yet?
What Saira and Regina get at in these resources is how our striving for perfection and our desire to be "nice" (or come across as "nice") is upholding white supremacy (and the patriarchy). This book truly opened my eyes so much. I started seeing ways in which I was being silent because I wanted to seem "nice" and how truly harmful that can be.
I highly, HIGHLY recommend you read this book. And, if you want to come to a book club meeting about the book (Saira Rao will be there) please join us January 25th at 5pm PST / 8pm EST.