This is an anonymous post from an Elpha member.

My now ex and I broke up in the middle of my career change

Latoya121·Feb 23, 2022

Posted in:Advice Family & Relationships Vents

Hello everyone. I am going through such a difficult time. My boyfriend introduced me to a specific field in the tech industry that he thought I was a great fit for and I realized I am so I decided to make a career change. He has been there by my side supporting me and helping me. I finished the course and now building my portfolio and applying to jobs. We just broke up last week and it has been so hard to prepare and be fully focused on my interviews. I have had 3 interviews so far this week and I feel I didn't do my best because all of this just reminds me of him and I thought he would always be there on this journey with me. It is so hard to focus on any of this without me breaking down. Anyone been through a similar situation or just have any advice?

HeidiElaine·Feb 24, 2022

I'm so sorry you're going through this! I recently went through a breakup (separated, hoping to finalize the divorce soon) and started a new job at the same time and it was (and is) so hard. I think a few things I took away: get thee a good therapist asap☺️ if you can. Also be as open and honest as you feel is appropriatI'm so sorry you're going through this! I recently went through a breakup (separated, hoping to finalize the divorce soon) and started a new job at the same time and it was (and is) so hard. I think a few things I took away: get thee a good therapist asap☺️ if you can (or ask good friends to listen non-judgmentally and not offer advice so you can work through feelings). Also think about what you need most to heal and be in a good place, and try to action that. If you need extra sleep, schedule interviews later in the day, etc. Also be as open and honest as you feel is appropriate - it was easier for me already having the job, but I wonder if there's a way to let recruiters know that you're having a hard time, and maybe they can make accomodations (esp if you've done the work to identify what you need to heal, this is the next step of asking for that support).In general, you're just in a hard time of your life. Things WILL get better. Imagine where you want to be in a year, and try to take the small steps to get there. Some days I still feel like I'm slipping under the weight of the breakup and all of the implications, but I have a very clear picture of how amazing my life can be, so it keeps me going. And the more open you are and accepting of the changes, the faster you can move through the hard parts.Best of luck💕💕

RavenBaker·Feb 24, 2022

I am going through a similar situation with a break up smack dab in the middle of a slew of interviews. Aside from losing a big part of your support system, you are grieving the loss of an imagined future and that is really hard. I have been struggling with sadness over all the good times my and ex and I won't share. Those thoughts and plans for travel and new experiences were a big part of what sustained me through a long and grueling job search; having to recalibrate my dreams when the end goal is so close was deflating at first.What has helped me is creating a ritual of release (I burned his business cards lol), talking with close friends, restorative yoga and literally crying on the mat during chest opening poses, re-reading the rather unfortunately titled The Princessa: Machiavelli for Women by Harriet Rubin (it offers great lessons on how to use power non-coercively and get people on board with your vision and success), and channeling my heightened vulnerability into the conversations I'm having during interviews. The reality is a break up breaks you wide open and you are starting a process of becoming a new version of yourself. You can use that to forge deeper connections with other people, including who you are interviewing with. They don't need to know you are going through a break up, but you can bring that energy of openness and transformative power to your discussions. In some ways it makes it easier to imagine who you will be in a new role or at a new company, because you are already re-thinking and scoping your future. Another solace is the time you get back for yourself, that you had been investing in our relationship (and let's be real, prior to most breakups we are usually investing more time than usual in trying to understand what is going on and repair things). One thought that gets me excited and gives me resolve is deciding which courses I will take once I am settled in a new role (I'm leaning towards css/html so I can continue helping people build websites via CMS like Squarespace). Also, daydreaming about places I can visit on cute solo vacays.You're gonna get through this and you can totally use this breakup to propel you into your next phase!

amyburns·Feb 28, 2022

I'm so sorry, this is a tough time! I had something similar happen about 10 years ago, a divorce and I was doing a giant presentation out of state when getting a lot of "relationship" messages. I had to tell the ex that I was focusing on the presentation, and would reply afterwards. And I prayed for focus and wisdom for the right words. Be kind with yourself, its hard to juggle everything. Just focus on today

jasminepfingsten·Mar 06, 2022

I'm really sorry you're in this situation; it must be very emotional, very challenging to stay centered. My only big advice here is to remind yourself, daily, that the shift in career is something that belongs to you, not your ex. Had he not introduced you to it, you would still have been predisposed to be awesome at it, and you would have been told that by someone eventually or figured it out yourself. The fact that you're going down this road now was your decision, and it's your work that got you where you are. It belongs to you.Also, it helps to realize that sometimes, people we thought were meant to walk through life with us were really just meant to get us to a certain point in life, then move in their own direction. Said another way, when we look back on the stories of our lives with a little more distance between us and the big events, we better understand how the big events are connected, how certain people were in our lives for a certain reason and gave us certain gifts even if they didn't end up going the distance with us. Things don't make much sense when they're so near, when you're still in them...but they will make sense, and there will be peace around them, eventually. Have faith in that, and just stay present with yourself. Breathe through the hard moments; they will pass. You are and always have been strong enough to do this.