On being a tech leader and a motherFeatured

miriamfriedel·Sep 26, 2019

I thought that writing this essay would be easy, as it is my personal story, my experience, but every time I sit down to write, I struggle to get started. Being a tech leader and a mother is amazing, exhausting, multi-faceted, and unique to each of us. How can I make my story something that is relevant to other women? My experiences feel so personal, it is hard to imagine that they could be universal. At the same time, I know that hearing other women’s personal stories helps me to make more sense of my own. It is hard for me to begin this without acknowledging that while balancing tech leadership and motherhood is hard, I have so many advantages to begin with: I’m white, straight, cis-gender, able-bodied, and in good health. I have a good relationship with my family and a network of friends spread across the country. I came from an upper middle class background where going to college was basically a given (even if I had to take out loans). I was encouraged to study math and science. Even given this massive amount of privilege, I still struggle, often on a daily basis, with feeling like I’m failing or can’t keep up with some aspect of my life. I’m trying to cut myself a bit more slack, while at the same time looking to make this journey easier for other women, especially those without the advantages I’ve lucked into. A bit about me: Since May 2018, I have been the Director of Data Science at Skafos, LLC, a pre-series A start-up in Charlottesville, VA. Prior to that, I was Director & Senior Scientist at Elder Research, Inc, a data science consultancy in the same city. I’ve been leading teams for about three years and in the data science space for five, but I’ve been in science and technology my whole career, starting with a Ph.D. in Physics (which I obtained in 2006). At the time of this writing, my daughters are nine and nearly eleven. Their father and I are divorced and we share both joint custody and a good co-parenting relationship. The nature of how I handle work and motherhood has changed a lot as my children have grown and as I have gone from married to divorced. For example, when my oldest was about five months old, I went back to work after a fairly generous (by US standards) maternity leave. One of the biggest challenges for me then was pumping breast milk twice a day. I was so fortunate to have an employer who supported me, but it was hugely time consuming and took a lot of physical and emotional energy. I felt guilty for taking time away from work to pump, then guilty for feeling guilty. Now, my tactical challenges are mostly around scheduling, taking calls while simultaneously driving my kids to activities, navigating days off of school when I have no childcare but need to work, or figuring out which conferences I can and cannot attend. My biggest emotional challenge is helping my kids navigate their own emotional minefield of adolescence and pre-adolescence with love and care. As with the pumping of breast milk, these challenges which feel so present to me now will definitely evolve into something new. Although my life often changes from year to year (and sometimes hour to hour), there are definitely some constants, things that I need, have put in place for myself, or help me to manage (and sometimes even laugh) through the chaos. The biggest thing for me is being ruthless about prioritizing time with my children. In some sense, sharing joint custody with my ex-husband makes this easier. We have a week-on, week-off schedule that has worked well for all of us. I miss my girls like crazy when they are with their dad, but it means when they are with me, I work hard to make them my sole focus. I don’t travel for work, spend time with friends (unless the kids can also be there!), or go to meet-ups or other networking events. When I interviewed for my current job at Skafos, I told them I was willing and able to travel, but I could only do it when my kids were with their dad. Thankfully, everyone has been very supportive of this. Sometimes, critical events come up and we need to adjust, but my ex-husband travels a fair bit for his job, and we both work to be flexible to accommodate each other’s travel in a way that is minimally disruptive to our daughters. This involves a lot of texting, emails, and several shared Google calendars, but so far, it has worked. Literally, not one person has ever bristled when I’ve said, “Sorry. I’ve got my girls this week. Can we meet next week instead?” The flip side is that on my off weeks, I’m able to do all of those things without guilt for being away from my family. Another thing that has helped me is an amazing community of other working mamas. Although our opportunities to get together are limited, there is a shared understanding that we are all juggling a lot. We can go months without getting together, but when we do, we dive right in. No admonishment for, “Where have you been?” Because we both know. In particular, I have a couple of friends whom I’ve known for over two decades, both of whom are working mamas with demanding jobs. Neither of them live close to me, but we manage to love and support and care for one another via calling and texting and visiting when we can. A few months ago I texted one to get her advice. As it turned out, we both had a few moments to talk, so from 8-8:12am on a random Tuesday, we were able to chat quickly and support each other before she had to go to a meeting and I had to drop my youngest off at camp. The love and support and care I felt in 12 minutes was a gift. These types of relationships help sustain me when I feel overwhelmed. One thing I’m pretty bad at is allowing myself time to relax, even during the weeks my kids aren’t with me. Part of this is because I struggle with anxiety and imposter syndrome--am I doing enough? Am I working hard enough? Are my kids ok? While I find therapy immensely helpful, I also “self-medicate” by being productive. Unfortunately, my task list feels endless, so there is a lot of “medicine”: making sure the kids have school supplies and clothes, signing them up for (and taking them to) activities, organizing sleepovers, doing laundry, cleaning my house, going to the grocery store. I almost always work in the evenings after my kids are in bed, even if it is just catching up on reading or organizing my task list for the next day. I do try to practice self-care by exercising as much as I can, usually in the form of yoga, and trying to read something non-work related for at least a few minutes before bed. It sometimes feels like an endless cycle of optimization, and I’m working to allow myself more guilt-free relaxation time. As much as I feel like my life is packed and high stress, and I miss having any sort of regular down time, I often marvel at everything I get to do. I am leading a data science team in an incredibly exciting space, experiencing the ups and downs of start-up life, and learning a ton. I routinely get to speak as part of my job, where I’m treated as a knowledgeable leader in my field, and I get to meet smart and interesting people all the time. I am raising two amazing daughters who see their mom as a leader in a field of men, hopefully learning that they won’t have to be restricted because of their gender.

QuinnWang·Sep 27, 2019

Thank you so much for sharing your story and for being so honest with your struggles. I’m consistently amazed by all the women valiantly juggling their work and family responsibilities, especially with divorce in the mix. How hard it must be to stay sane! Kudos to you 💗“While I find therapy immensely helpful, I also “self-medicate” by being productive. — I found this bit especially compelling and relatable. I sometimes tend to fall into a funk when I feel like I’m not being productive enough, but then I realize that it’s because productivity can be a really powerful distraction from the tough external + internal struggles that live on in the background.

miriamfriedel·Sep 27, 2019

productivity can be a really powerful distraction from the tough external + internal struggles that live on in the background. <-- I find this really compelling, too! Sometimes I have to take a deep breath and stop and think about what is going on in the background.

miriamfriedel·Sep 27, 2019

Gah--for some reason my earlier comment published without the last bit. :) I wanted to say that I find that sentence (productivity can be a really powerful distraction from the tough external + internal struggles that live on in the background) really compelling too.

whitneycaneel·Sep 27, 2019

I really enjoyed reading your post! I'm turning 31 next week and my husband and I are thinking about kids in the next 1-2 years and I would be lying if I said I was somewhat scared about how I'm going to balance everything. I can imagine its a constant cycle of optimization to balance all the schedules (among everything else) and still make time for yourself at the end of the day. Honestly major kudos to you for being an all around super woman and holding it down like you do!

vickie·Sep 27, 2019

You worried about whether such a personal story could feel universal - I have to tell you I felt as if I wrote this entire paragraph myself:"Part of this is because I struggle with anxiety and imposter syndrome--am I doing enough? Am I working hard enough? Are my kids ok? While I find therapy immensely helpful, I also “self-medicate” by being productive. Unfortunately, my task list feels endless, so there is a lot of “medicine”: making sure the kids have school supplies and clothes, signing them up for (and taking them to) activities, organizing sleepovers, doing laundry, cleaning my house, going to the grocery store. I almost always work in the evenings after my kids are in bed, even if it is just catching up on reading or organizing my task list for the next day. I do try to practice self-care by exercising as much as I can, usually in the form of yoga, and trying to read something non-work related for at least a few minutes before bed. It sometimes feels like an endless cycle of optimization, and I’m working to allow myself more guilt-free relaxation time."I'm a PM in Silicon Valley with a 2.5 year old and another on the way, and that couldn't feel more spot on. Thank you for sharing on behalf of all of us!

CarennaWillmont·Sep 27, 2019

Hello Miriam, Thank you for sharing. You are right since there are so few women in leadership it is great to hear your story. I am hoping to become a mom but I am aLeader and one thing that has set me free of anxiety when it comes up is getting crystal clear what specifically I am nervous about because often it will tell me and then when I research it and find a solution the anxiety disappears, thankfully. Im glad you are working to relax because for me that has helped me to feel joy and peace so when I do lead I am coming from a place of service rather than carrying a burden. Learning about service leadership has been so freeing and changed dramatically how I lead. Hope that helps! All the best.💗

miriamfriedel·Sep 27, 2019

Getting clear on what I'm nervous about (even if it is hard) is hugely helpful to me as well. It is a good reminder. Thank you so much, and all the best to you as well!

CarennaWillmont·Sep 28, 2019

Glad that is helpful. :)

nata·Sep 30, 2019

Miriam and other mothers, it sounds so universal. I felt like the whole system is designed to push women away from the workforce. Going back to work after 6 weeks of maternity (my company was not big enough to give me at least 12 paid weeks). The guilt because I am at work and away from child and guilt because I finish the work at 5 PM but not at 8 PM as it was before. The daycare cost in San Francisco is around $2500 and a waitlist.

miriamfriedel·Oct 01, 2019

The guilt is a constant for me, I've just gotten better (mostly) at managing it over the years. Offering love and solidarity to you!

CarennaWillmont·Oct 01, 2019

I agree. This makes me sad too. If we had childcare at work so many more women would work and have a family. We need major changes in the US workplace.

nata·Oct 01, 2019

That is my point too, Carenna! The whole situation inspired me to create a platform for parents www.playfully.care launching in November this year. It will help find affordable childcare where you need it and give an opportunity for stay-at-home mothers to make an income. I am hoping that mothers on this platform can spread a word within their community and share this new service.

CarennaWillmont·Oct 01, 2019

That is great. Creating win-win relationships is key.